I don't like erotica so much. The stakes aren't high enough for my liking. As I've grown into adulthood I've become degenerated and elemental and more childlike but in a desperate way. I like watching women performing degrading sex acts on video that I'm certain they'll regret in the future. I often watch scenes years old and am really excited by the thought that the woman is out there wishing it didn't exist, wishing nobody could ever watch it again. It is like I'm raping her. I love it. And I am in grief that this is the person I have become. I want to be a good man and fall in love and maybe get married and provide for a family. But I can't do that now because I'm destroiyed you see. The only meaningful relationship I have is with the women I watchrape in the pornography, because we share a common ruin. But I'll continue to watch and masturbate and get that horrifying empty high that is so wonderful. 5 years ago she did a gag scene. 50 years from now its crystal clarity will endure as the worry lines deepen on her aged and stricken face, a life that got devectored. I wish I had words for this.