THE FEDERAL government is moving quickly to protect the virtue of American womanhood from imported ass's milk, which softens the skin, improves complexion -- and turns even the most modest, God-fearing gals into sexual wildcats.

At issue are unscrupulous importers who are touting the sweet, white milk of the affable Middle Eastern animals, which look like miniature donkeys, for its benefits to skin only.

"But bathing in ass's milk as they recommend can also enormously increase the libido, leaving the unsuspecting female prey to unscrupulous males who are all too willing to take advantage," says Washington-based feminist Jayne Karmanin, author of numerous articles on the politics of sex in post-World War II America.

"Egypt's Queen Cleopatra bathed in ass's milk and look at what happened to her. Romans literally stood in line to avail themselves of her charms, not just once, but over and over again.

"And the tragedy of it all is that Cleopatra thought that she was the instigator -- that she was taking advantage of them and not the other way around. But modern science has shown us otherwise.

"Ass's milk contains hormones that can drive women crazy with desire."

At present, ass's milk is exported from Iran, Iraq and Libya, countries the U.S. restricts trade with, into Egypt, where shadowy and wily businessman Ali Ben Hassan controls the trade.