when ceara and i discovered that applesaucer (wicked director david stanley clark and number one lesbian bukkake fan in the whole wide world) lived in los angeles, neither hell nor high water could keep us away.

armed with organic applesauce, we walked several miles in the unrelenting rain (god's tears that two young, formerly innocent girls had sold their souls for spring break) so that we could stand outside applesaucer's home, beseeching him for shelter and advice on how to make it big-time. at the very least, we wanted tips on how to vanquish all women who fake squirting.

unfortunately, he didn't hear us because he is crazy. in order to get the real scoop, i befriended him on myspace and asked hard-hitting questions (sans caps, emoticons, or exclamation marks). he was surprisingly forthcoming.

ON MAKING HIS MOVIES "PERSONAL"

[i have to] be as naked as the actors are, but in a different way.

a porn star will show you everything except who she really is. that part is what they would consider pornographic to show you.

so that's the part i try and find out. but since they ain't givin', i have to.

so the movies become about me, since they don't really have anything to say anyway besides quotes from other movies or who fucked who and who cares?

synopsis: every time you jack off to something applesaucer directs, you jack off to applesaucer's vision.

ON APPLESAUCERS VISION

personally, i have no style. my girlfriend dresses me.

ON "THE REAL" APPLESAUCER

i've accomplished just enough to get by. i'm able to fool people into thinking i'm good at this. truth is, i have no idea what i'm doing. i just make a movie and then i duck.

ON JM PRODUCTIONS AND ASHLEY BLUE:

ASHLEY BLUE IS A FUCKING BITCH WITH NO DAMM IDEAL HOW TO MAKE GOOD PORN! HAVE YOU WATCHED ANY LESBIAN BUKKAKE VIDEOS?? THEY SUCK! TERRIBLE ACTING, TERRIBLE DIRECTING, THERES NO PLOTS, NO REAL SQUIRTING..JUST MINDLESS BORING 5 MINUTE JACK-OFF SEQUENCES THEN COMES THE MIRACLE WATERSPOUTS FOLLOWED BY FAKE MOANING , AND NO STRAP-ON TOYS WHATSOEVER! IS THIS THE KIND OF PORN YOU PEOPLE WANNA CONTINUE TO SEE? TO BUY? TO SUPPORT?? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! SOMEONE NEEDS TO SPEAK UP AGAINST THIS KIND OF INJUSTICE!

I WILL COME BACK AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN...THIS IS ONE INJUSTICE I WILL NEVER LET GO! CHANGE LESBIAN BUKKAKE! GOT IT??

we got it, applesaucer. that's why we're such huge fans.