Fine, Arab's five helpful steps to recover Luke's mojo:


1. More Jim Goad. It's bizarre, you already know the most brutal, savage writer of this generation yet you ponder whether or not the Holocaust destroyed the linear narrative of Jewish literature with Homely Spice.

2. More Amalek. I know he's your pretend friend and everything but he hasn't been around since Holly came back around. I realize I'm encouraging your split personality here but DANCE MONKEY BOY, DANCE.

3. Fewer shrill harpies in your life will improve your complexion and make for better reading, so get rid of Cathy Siepp and the rest of the weird yentas. More Kendra, more Mary, and what the fuck happened to Rob Spallone stealing double-A batteries from the Kwik-E Mart?

4. Schedule more interviews with producers and directors. The best Luke story ever was when Buck Adams had a nervous breakdown on set while your tape recorder whirled away. While you're at it, "What kind of kids did you hang out with in high school?" is not an interesting question, though I'm amused that you're asking it both of whores and creepy Jewish chick writers concerned about the non-anthropological perspectives on their community.

5. More discussions of Torah, because it cracks me up whenever I see written in plain English what you crazy Orthodox believe.

Finally, the one that will really set you on the right path:

Interview David Duke. The man is a whore and will speak with anyone that will ask. You, Luke Ford, are the perfect man to wave a microphone in his face:

a.) You're Jewish (well... not to real Jews, but to Duke you are), he burns crosses, it's hilarious,
b.) Unlike your yenta posse, he's actually led an interesting life, and he'll probably ask you for a few numbers of porn chicas if the rumors are to be believed,
c.) He's had more plastic surgury than Houston, so you can recycle most of your porn star questions, and
d.) Because deep down, despite waving your tefillin around to all and sundry, you agree with him on just about every social issue except for the gas chambers, and I think the two of you seeing eye-to-eye on things will bring about the kind of closure that Jew and Gentile need.