Portland and Seattle have an uneasy relationship; Seattle is seen as the uptight Carlton aching for that elusive east coast appeal to Portland's cool yet unreliable Fresh Prince. Portlanders, resentful of big money because they have none, love to rail against capitalism and possessors of wealth. Money from property taxes (we have no purchasing tax) goes mostly to 'keeping Oregon green' and sort of smart. Athletics in Oregon tend to be scoffed at except at OSU and U of O, both college towns. During the "Bring Big Baseball to Portland" bumper-sticker phase, some baseball fans knew that Portland would never be a place where baseball could ever get "big" because watching sports just isn't a priority in this city. Personally, I maintain that no true fan of baseball would ever want Portland to be a second-rate Mariners (redundant).

Unlike baseball and football, which we left to Seattle, Portland once embraced the Blazers. I remember going to games when I was 10 or 11 and it being packed. By "it," I mean the Rose Garden, the architectural monolith on the Eastside built in the height of Allen's big-spending sports-loving days. Lately, though, seats are empty and the expensive stars that Allen handpicked are constantly stoned and consistently disappointing, getting into fights in the parking lot of strip clubs and probably talking a lot of trash about their effete owner like the petulant divas they are paid so much to be. One of these stars shops at my grocery store and he has a Bentley and a hot supermodel wife. He seems undisturbed with his team's reputation as being lazy and unapproachable, like a laconic cat in mesh. I, like most every girl confronted with men of near mythical stature, approached him and said "Gosh, you're tall" when all I really wanted to say was "So I hear you like white women." This was more likely to occur ten years ago than it is today, although it would have been endearing if I said it then too.

Paul Allen wants the fans of Portland to pay for the Blazers because other cities (like Denver) gave subsidies to their sports teams. Except Paul Allen is ridiculously rich, like the 7th richest man or some insane bullshit like that. It's like these people from Seattle came down with a caravan of jewels and beautiful women, took us to a really nice dinner that we didn't especially want to eat and at the end of the meal said "Can you pick up the tab? It wasn't satisfying enough for us to pay." No, Paul Allen, we cannot. We love our Blazers, but we were just as mystified as the rest of the country was when you were shelling out massive ducats to awe them. Just because the team isn't doing as well as you expected it to (which seems to happen a lot), you have to make hard decisions and stand by your man.

Paul Allen has owned the Blazers for ten years, and now he wants the city to help pay for the debts he incurred with the building and maintenance of the arena. Portlanders, however, are unemployed and uneducated and can barely afford basic healthcare, much less taking on the relatively paltry debts of a billionaire. Portlanders have no money to give and so he is threatening to move our team. Now, I've heard that abject poverty occurs almost everywhere except on Queen Anne Hill, where residents are known to cover actual gold with chocolate foil and pimping one's chariot ride with Kenny G is common. Not in Portland, get the fuck out of here with your reindeer games and go back to Seattle so you can give the Seahawks a supportive money shot and a hearty clap on the back. Ride or Die Mr. Allen, but leave the Blazers in Portland. You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death and then play around with your blood.