More and more people are developing a taste for 100-year-old women. And I don't mean rotting pensioners.
I spent my formative years with my nose lodged between the pages of comicbooks. I not only thought time travel was possible, I thought it commonplace. When I wasn't reading comics I lay daydreaming in the grass, travelling back in time to encourage Hitler to continue painting in hopes of evading the Holocaust. Other times I'd find myself in wartime Germany with Captain America, fistfighting those ratzi Nazis. In my time I've travelled to Jerusalem and begged Jesus to turn my chocolate milk to wine to prove his greatness (he refused); I played chess with Churchill; I danced with Greta Garbo; I trimmed Cleopatra's cat's claws; I watched the Navajo give the white men their last haircuts; I tried to get Ritchie Valens to take the bus. I have seen it all from Adam & Eve (the type of apple was a Macintosh. Ironic, since Apple Computers will be the downfall of all men once again.) to Armageddon in the year 2074.
Sadly, one thing I had never done was go back in time looking for love; or even a piece of ass. Not that my intents were always altruistic; many times I did attempt to go ahead in time to see tomorrow's lottery numbers or football scores so I could lay bets. It is only recently I've begun going back in time to bed down with some of history's sexiest women. They tend to be in that 50s/60s pin-up era of Marilyn Monroe, Bettie Page, Jayne Mansfield and the like. You wouldn't believe how kinky those ladies are: DPs, fisting, me and JFK at the same time.
A few times I've gone back in time with my Yashica T-4 hoping to take some photos of Marilyn doing that thing she does with the rolling pin but the photos never seem to come out when developed. I think time travel is like the X-Ray machine at the airport; it just ruins everything. Luckily, a friend of mine turned me on to two porn sites of vintage and retro photos,
Retroraunch.com and
Marthasgirls.com.
The latter is more my speed. It's chock full of European ladies done up in classic pin-up styles to look and feel just like the originals. And I like the idea that all the girls still have a pulse. It's just a small hang-up I have. Hestor Nash, female owner of Retro Raunch and operator of Martha's, has actually come across other likeminded perverts: "When we first started doing Retro Raunch, a couple of my personal friends said, 'Wow. I don't know why people would be interested in that because those girls are all dead or old,' and I had to laugh and say, 'Well, what difference does it make? It's not like you could actually sleep with Jenna Jameson. It's not like those people are available to you.' It's all fantasy. But I think that that actually operates with some people. They might like Retro Raunch but just think those people are all dead, so they like Martha's Girls because they get to enjoy the retro feel of it."
Retro Raunch is, by far, more vast, boasting some 40,000 images and films dating all the way back to the 19th century. "There are a lot people out there that collect this sort of thing," Nash explains. "It's called 'ephemera dealing', people who deal in antique paper, photographs, newspapers, postcards and all of that. We hooked up with some of them and learned about collecting. That was in the beginning, now we've been online for eight years and people call us all the time and write to us and say things like, 'Wow, my uncle turned out to be kind of kinky and I have this box full of stuff here, you want it?' We're becoming a repository for this sort of thing." I told Nash I had some nudes of ex-girlfriends if she was interested, but she declined, saying the images weren't old enough and most likely I didn't have the girls' permission to print them. I tried to explain I was above the law but she instead fed me pleasantries, saying, "The coolest submissions we've ever had, and we've only had a few, are older men offering us pictures that they took of their wives many years ago. In every case the wife has been deceased. It's very touching. How sweet is it that they would entrust us with those photos? That's a huge compliment."
And who is this Martha? Is she real or just a figment of some fat, sweaty perv? "We have a partner based in the Ukraine named Alex. He doesn't even speak English and he formed the site," Hestor explains. "He is a huge fan of vintage erotica and he put the site together as a homage, just for fun, just because it pleased him to do so. He's actually an antiques dealer. It was up for a while and not doing much business and he was sinking quite a bit of money into it because he doesn't do all the work, he hires people to do it. It's just his passion. He came to me and was very sweet and admiring of Retro Raunch. He asked if I could help him, saying he didn't know what he was doing, and he made us an offer we couldn't refuse - to share in the site and for us to take it under our wing. And so we did. When he first sent me to look at it I didn't even realise it was modern. I thought it was directly competitive, vintage material. I was kind of like, "Yeah, guy, it's great. Why do you think I'm going to help you compete with me?" But when I realised it was a modern site I was blown away. He has actually shown me the transitional photos of where they start from and how they end up and it's amazing. The photography is great but their Photoshop artist is astonishing.
"A lot of people come to Retro Raunch because they love natural women with natural breasts and natural hair on their bodies, which is increasingly hard to find, and if you can find it it's on bad amateur sites on unattractive women," says Hestor. "With Martha's Girls, people who come to us can also get modern, beautiful girls who are natural. It's actually superior to Retro Raunch because all the pictures are perfect and the women all look gorgeous, because he can make them that way and he can pick them that way. We're stuck with whatever we can find out there. But since Retro Raunch has so many more, well over 40,000 images, we have a lot more going on."
I wondered, in the hunt for images from time gone by, what are some of the stranger stills she's come across. "Well," Nash clarifies, "they didn't do anything we don't do so there's nothing original. Just the very fact that they were taking close-up, gynaecological, hardcore photos in the 19th century was a bit of a shock to me at first. The first time I saw homosexual photos, which are very rare, I was surprised. Not that I didn't think gays existed, they're not a modern invention, but just that the photos existed was shocking. The difference in modern gay porn and older porn is that nowadays everyone looks like Hercules but 100 years ago they looked like regular guys having sex with each other. I was a little shocked. The first time I saw a picture of a woman with a dildo that was 100 years old was also surprising. We have a few pictures of a women masturbating with a parasol and the pictures were probably taken in 1890. I actually did see one picture of a little girl and just tore it up and burned it. That tells you child porn is old too. There's nothing new... except maybe Furries. And that is one I just don't get. I think even the diaper fetish is old, I've run across one or two photos that had a suggestion of that. Some of the kinkiest pictures I've seen are from the Victorian era - it's pretty well known that the more repressed an era is, the more sexually kinky it gets. The Victorian photos tend to be pretty out there. A lot of group sex, there's a tremendous amount of it as well. Also interracial. That was one that shocked me right out of my shoes and I loved it. Interracial dating not long after the civil war. A black man and a white woman, it was probably French as it's pretty hard to imagine an American black allowing himself to be photographed having sex with a white woman, even if she's a whore. I like to think it's an ex-slave boning his mistress."
I told Hestor that if she could find the date and place the interracial photos were taken I would go back in time and find out for certain the circumstances under which the shots were taken. She laughed. I tried to explain I was serious and that's when she told me my time was up and she needed to get back to work. I asked her if there was any era of photos she was missing, that perhaps I could travel back and try to acquire some for her, if she was willing to buy them and if my time machine didn't erase the images from my film roll. Her reply was, "I'd prefer it if you lost my home number, you're scaring me." She did tell me there is an open call for photos on the site and that I am free to try to submit images there. I said, "Very well then." That's when I screamed into the phone, "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME, HESTOR NASH! I'LL BE BAAAAAAAAAAACK!"
Retroraunch.com and
Marthasgirls.com are identically priced at $6.95 for a week sample or $19.95 for a month and highly
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