I often imagine how I may react if any of the woman whom I've seen being sexually brutalized, degraded, and humiliated on video in the most awful ways had been friends or acquaintances of mine prior to the videotaping. I confess I am a very sensitive soul, probably not fit to live in the world. I'm not artistically inclined, understand; this is a useless sensitivity which produces nothing but emotional turmoil and most often eventual explosive violence of one sort or another. I imagine knowing these women prior. Liking them sharing jokes and coffee with them perhaps, knowing eachother's dreams and dreads. And perhaps a sexual encounter. Then I imagine losing touch and being reunited with her through video images of this sort. The sort I mean are a young woman allowing herself to be abused sexually in ways designed to humiliate with maximum effect, such as having penis thrust into their mouths to produce inhuman, awful, comical sounds and vomit. I supposed this is so we can know the reactions are real and involuntary. Anhyway, I imagine my reaction and my heart quickens as I even imagine it. I pace about literally, not wanting to live in the world. I'd want to crawl out of my skin, I think. Contact her, ask if she is ok, screaming, asking her why, asking her to help me. I imagine it that way. I also think about how relationships can continue under these circumstances. To my mind, when a woman would claim to me that the nasty sex is for the cameras, that she makes love only to me alone, I would lash out in rage. Making love is wonderful, but to the importance of the potential for sexual humiliation in a relationship cannot be overstated and perhaps takes precedence. I cannot put it into words. But it seems to me that knowing she gags and wretches on brutal peni acquaitances on video would devalue the relationship enormously, perhaps revealing it as a lie, and myself as a fool.