A guy walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the guy. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, you know, just like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"I dunno...Never found the head"

Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband; "Bruce, Bruce! I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor with my fanny!"

"Strewth," Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba."

He returns with his mate and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it," Cobba said. "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What the hell is Plan B?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobba.

"Spot on," Said Bruce. "And while you’re going to get your tools, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits?" exclaimed Cobba. "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"Nah!" says Bruce, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.

So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Chuck. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, “Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there. Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught—worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob—stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh, they’re getting closer.....”