Owen Says: I got 3 wrong.

From www.adultbeat.com
-----------------------------------------------------

Fred Buccolini writes: Grab a pen and paper and keep score, and read your personality profile at the end of the quiz. All of the answers are culled from the archives of Lukeford.com. Have Fun!


Question 1

Identify the Publisher speaking:

"Now where were you born, Luke? Australia? You don't know a flying fuck about anything. You're an ex-felon. If you weren't, your father was. You're a bunch of refugees from a penal colony. The only reason that Jews are in pornography is that we think that Christ sucks."

a) Hugh Hefner
b) Al Goldstein
c) Paul Fishbein
d) Ken Starr
e) Larry Flynt


Question 2

Fill in the Blank. According to Luke Ford:
"Persons who produce ____ are always secular and tend to be liberal, single, male, sexually jaded, frank, rebellious, open to experimenting with drugs, alcohol and the occult, and consumers of pop culture."

a) pork
b) politicians
c) car deodorizers
d) Beanie Babies
e) porn

Question 3

Identify the Talent Agent

In 1982 a car hit him. In 1989 he broke a leg. In 1992: "A three-ounce spleen turns out to be seven pounds and had to be removed. I almost died, but I was working from bed in the intensive care unit. I booked people out of the hospital."

a) Jim South
b) Sidney the bookie--this guy's luck you don't need.
c) Regan Senter
d) A man named Bernie. He's lonely. Send money.
e) Reb Sawitz
f) Mike Ovitz


Question 4

Fill in the Blank

"Luke Ford, you ignorant slut," writes _____ in her June, 1997, Diary page on her internet site. "How dare you write about who you think may be the father of my son, much less even mention my son. The only people on this earth who truly know who is the father of my child are me, the father and my father, who should kick your misinformed, wimpy little ass for being so IGNORANT."

a) Mother Teresa
b) Former Saturday Night Live Weekend Update writer.
c) Asia Carrera
d) Bianca Trump
e) Ginger Lynn
f) Someone who coined the term "Where there's smoke there's fire."

Question 5

Name the Performer speaking:

"I was born in Des Moines, Iowa. I grew up in the circus, traveling with the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey. My dad was a clown and my mom did aerial ballet. We traveled with the circus for several years, and then my parents divorced and we went to opposite sides of the country."

a) Ronald McDonald
b) Nikki Sinn
c) Nina Hartley
d) Richard Simmons
e) Krusty the Clown
f) Ronald Reagan


Question 6

Name the Person speaking:

"I had some Israelis here shooting their first video. These were upstanding citizens. They were not drug addicts like most of the people in the porno industry. They were not pimps or whores or drug addicts, drug users, drug sellers. They were just normal people with jobs. They were artists."

a) Kathie Lee Gifford
b) James DiGiorgio
c) Former chief of police Ed Davis
d) Rob Spallone
e) Mark Curtis
f) Randy Detroit

Question 7

Identify the Party Speaking

"This is the story. One day at the show, out of the blue, Mrs. John Bowen starts calling me names. 'You cocksucker. You asshole. You're a jerk. You motherfucker.' And everyone wondered 'who was that?' And I said, 'I think that was John Bowen's wife.' And they said, 'Why did she come out of the blue and bust your balls like that?' And I said, 'I don't know.'"

a) John T Bone
b) Daffy Duck
c) Rob Black
d) Susan Faludi
e) Kendra Jade
f) That f---cking dog on those Taco Bell commercials.
g) Rob Spallone

Question 8

Identify the person

"Over the course of five years, I have screened over 10,000 hours of hardcore footage on film and videotape. I have seen just about every sex act imaginable that is legal within the continental United States. I have observed every type of woman you can imagine indulging in sexual scenarios so vast and wide and varied that a chronic masturbator would have to beat his meat from here 'til Doomsday to envision all the images that I have seen."

a) One Serious Porn Fan
b) Ed Meese
c) Rodger Jacobs
d) Mike Albo
e) Bob Dornan
Question 9

Identify person speaking

"Reb, despite what you think, I've always liked you. You're one of the most down-to-earth people in the business. I think you've seen so much stuff that you don't agree with, it wears you down."

a) Some guy who owes Reb Sawitz a shitload of money.
b) Al Goldstein
c) Some guy who's covering all bases.
d) Jim South
e) Rob Spallone
f) Regan Senter

Question 10

Name the Person Speaking

"I don't know how you got so popular. Everyone reads you. Every time someone does an article on me, for the New York Times, for Time Out magazine, for Rolling Stone, Spin magazine, the person says, respond to this: 'According to Luke Ford,'... Oh God no, not again. "

a) Luke Ford
b) Russ Hampshire
c) Mark Kernes
d) Mike Albo
e) Ron Jeremy


Question 11

Name the Person Speaking

"You become a Made Guy in porno, just like the Mafia. You're an outsider until people in the business come to trust you. Then someone has to vouch for you. One guy told me some wild stories, then told me to not tell anyone: I didn't. He saw that I could be trusted and then he vouched for me. I was in."

a) James DiGiorgio
b) Linda Tripp
c) Some guy on RAME who walks the walk and talks the talk but actually works at the post office.
d) Sidney the bookie--he just lost his shirt in Pork Bellies.
e) Jack Valenti
f) Ron Sullivan


Question 12

Name the Person Speaking

"For ten years an FBI agent named Finney seemed to do nothing but watch me. I used to take him to lunch. He told me I was on the list of prime targets because I knew two guys who had vowels at the end of their names. Sure, I knew one of them, I used to stop off in his bar from work every night. But that was twenty-five years ago."

a) Frank Sinatra
b) William Margold
c) Reb Sawitz
d) Mark Carriere
e) David Friedman


Question 13

Identify the Person Speaking

"You wanna talk about pressure, Luke? I'll tell you about pressure. I'll tell you about getting your fucking head squeezed between a couple of leaded thighs. Luke, I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I'm on top, I'm number one and anyone who wants to fuck me up, go ahead."

a) Bill Clinton
b) A chubby-chaser that Luke met at Taco Bell # 1467
c) A seriously delusional guy who went shopping at Radio Shack during the L.A. Riots.
d) Bobby Hollander
e) Robert Black
f) Max Hardcore

Question 14

Name the Director Speaking

"I don't feel like I am sinning. I am not married and doing this. It's basically a business, a business that has gone on since the beginning of time. It is glamorfied prostitution. It has become more sophisticated. People get implanted. There's acting, props, make-up, hair, location but all it boils down to the same thing - fucking."

a) Paul Thomas
b) Joey Silvera
c) John Leslie
d) Michael Ninn
e) Randy Detroit

Question 15

Name the Director Speaking

"I shot the dungeon scene in San Francisco for six hours. For six hours Jamie Gillis worked with an erection. When we got halfway though, I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't stand it. I'm not into S&M. They were doing so much screaming I was afraid the police were going to come... When I got back, Jamie was urinating all over Heather. Serena had yelled that she had to go to the bathroom and Jamie said, 'Save it, honey.' Then he started peeing all over the girls."

a) Ed Powers -- "I Left My Rubbers at the Bus Stop."
b) Bob Chinn -- "Tell Them Sidney Horshack Was Here."
c) Gerard Damiano--"The Devil in John T. Bone"
d) Alex deRenzy--"Censorship in Irvine"
e) Radley Metzger-- "Misty Conducts at the Carnegie"
f) Svetlana--"800 Fantasy Lane."


Question 16

Identify the Person Speaking

"There are only a finite number of major companies in the X-rated industry in America. There are lots of little people. But all the little people have sharks looming over them. And all the sharks have whales hanging over them. And all the whales sleep together. They all announce how viciously they hate each other but they are all buddies. So it's all controlled. It's like the jukebox industry in the old days. The distribution is all taken care of."

a) John Gotti
b) Former Sea World Employee now working at Sunshine Video.
c) Gloria Leonard
d) James DiGiorgio
e) Some armchair critic who only watches Baywatch and Crimestory
reruns and repeatedly watches the adult video "Shooting Sex."
f) William Margold


Question 17

Identify the Person Speaking

"It's like, blame the Jews for everything. Now they have a new one - --it's Luke Ford. They can blame him for everything. I respect him as a gossip journalist. He is the supreme Boneyard. The Boneyard in the AVN? He's way beyond it."

a) A guy who seriously wants to see his name on Lukeford.com.
b) Regan Senter
c) Mark Kernes
d) Al Goldstein
e) Paul Fishbein

Question 18

Identify the Female Performer speaking on the hiring of male talent:

"The mental trick is learning how to have sex morning or night, early or late, hot or cold, hungry or tired, rent overdue, cat sick, mom died, car broke down. You're not allowed to be human. You don't get to come home from a hard day's work and have a girlfriend and get all cuddly and lovey. And after a while you start dredging up weirder and weirder fantasies to get you through it, and you start spelunking into strange places. If a guy comes up to me and I see he's a sweetheart, I tell him: 'Don't do it. You will ruin yourself and your life forever, because that part of you that I find sweet now and desirable will be gone. They'll eat it.'"

a) Tyffany Million
b) Sharon Mitchell
c) Dr. Susan Block
d) Tina Tyler
e) Nina Hartley


Question 19

Name the Female Performer

"I believe that in making the decision to get into the adult industry it shows that the individual has courage, strength, and dignity."

a) Stacy Donovan
b) Linda Lovelace
c) Gina Ryder
d) Kristarra Barrington
e) Kimberly Carson

Question 20

Name the publisher

"Finally, Luke, I don't have the time and energy to keep responding to these people, who obviously have nothing better to do that take shots. So let them say whatever they want, but I'm not buying in after today, This is it. All of you out there with your conspiracy theories, these pussies who e-mail you without the guts to give their names and all the naysayers who have nothing better to do than take shots: You can all go fuck yourselves."

a) Rupert Murdoch
b) Otis Chandler
c) Tina Brown
d) Paul Fishbein

ANSWER KEY: 1) b 2) e 3) e 4) e 5) b 6) f 7) c 8) c 9) f 10) e 11) a 12) e 13) f 14) e 15) f 16) f 17) b 18) e 19) c 20) d

PERSONALITY PROFILE

Here's your personality profile based on your score. 15 -20 wrong = You spend a lot of time watching Crossfire. You enjoy talk radio and you think Bill Clinton is the Antichrist. Your favorite color is Green. You think crime is terrible in Los Angeles (if you're a resident) but you refuse to move. For some reason, you think people have it good who live in Des Moines.

10-14 wrong = You've spent some time on this website but find it confusing. Who are these people? You're not sure and don't really care. But there is something pulling you to LukeFord.com. It might be Satan.

6-9 wrong = Not bad. You have a definite interest in the porn business. You are most likely male. You are reading this while your wife or girlfriend is asleep. You are sick of Seinfield reruns. You long for the days of Pussycat Theaters and X-rated drive-ins. You miss the taboo of going to dirty movies, of parking your car on a dark street, and hiding you face, looking down while buying a ticket. You tend to laugh out loud at the most inopportune times: at funerals, car wrecks, and dental appointments. You think Charlton Heston is a great, great actor.

1-5 wrong Wow! Congratulations. You either work in the adult business and know all of the players or you spend way too much time on this website. The sun will be out tomorrow. Maybe you should go out for a walk.