This week my friend Darren visited me from New Jersey where he is currently attending law school. Darren is affable and well liked by many. How he'll make it as a lawyer, I do not know.
Despite my current economic crunch, I decided to get him a Christmas gift. I guess it's more along the lines of a care package actually. Everything was purchased at the '.99 Cent Only Store' and It consisted of the following:

1 Oval Box Of Imported Tiger Cheese This is an unknown variety to me, but I'm willing to bet it stinks (I wouldn't eat it if my life depended on it, but the label looked cool and he just might gobble it up)

2 Units Of 'Hello Boss' Canned Coffee That Featured French Roast And Espresso Flavors (Imported From Taiwan And Sure To Give Anyone The Shits For Days. I Hope He Doesn't Drink Them On The Plane. They Have The Best Looking Cans And Are Bitchin' To Just Stare At.)

2 Boxes Of Funky Cookies (Not Much To Say About Them.)

1 Container Of Earl Grey Tea (I Drink Tea Too, But Not The Kind That Smells Like A Dead Fish.)

1 Box Multi-Colored Condoms (The Colors Were 8 Black, 2 Green And 2 Blue. In Hindsight, This May Have Been A Slap In The Face As I Know He Has Not Had Booty In Quite Some Time. After He Looked At The Condoms With A Sad Sorta Face, I Suggested That He Use Them For The Sole Purpouse Of Masturbation As These Were Made Expressly for it. Yes, it was a lie. I told him that the best technique is to sit on your whacking hand for 20 minutes allowing it to go numb. Once numb, he should then proceed to sin by making vigourous amounts of self-love.)

1 Coffee Mug Semi-Newly Boxed And Decorated With Designs Celebrating The State Of California (Really funky. If he chooses to, he could give it as a gift and insult someone as much as I insulted him.)

1 Bottle Of Yacht Club After Shave (This is a generic version of the infamous Old Spice. Nothing says "fuck you" like getting a bottle of this crap on our saviours birthday. The entire idea of a knock-off version of one of the shittiest bottles of scent ever produced still blows me away.)

1 Jesus Candle (They had a bunch of different kinds and I really wanted the one that shows the Trojan Condom guy on a horse puttin' the hurt on some slave laying on the ground [no way it's Jesus, he would wallop any Trojan in a second] but those candles were blocked by a pallet full of flower soil. I ended up getting the one that had a picture of a kid that looked like a young Shirley Temple. Still funny, but much less of a blasphemy. I want to be amusing, but not so much damn funny that I'm writing my Live Journal from hell.)

The total price for this care package was $8.00. A true value for me and everlasting memories for him.
My g/f wrapped every item individually, with the exception of the condoms, and placed them in a large box. She was able to make clever ornaments with the rubbers that included a Snowman, Christmas tree and even a Santa head. She decorated each one and it made the whole thing quite fucking emotional when he opened it. He was so grateful he actually started sitting on his hand right there in the hotel room. I had to stop him though as the thought of watching my friend pound his bologna makes me sick.