Howdy,
You can see some truly exciting wildlife at the world famous Green Door. Tucked away near the corner of Sahara and Maryland Parkway this Health Spa is a must for every tourist and local.
I even brought my girlfriend to the Green Door for our third date. I'll never forget it. She was stoked to get inside, so much so she began shouting when we got out of the car and started a tug-of-war with me. Funny thing is that she kept pulling me back towards my car when in fact I know she meant to be tugging me towards the club. Silly girl! I noticed several women doing this with their significant others as well. I guess gals lose their sense of direction when they get all emotional and excited.
Admission is a bit steep but well worth it. I paid $30.00 for a 24 hour in and out pass that included unlimited towel use.
Once I walked in I was awe struck with the decor. We quickly toured the place and discovered a classiness I've never seen before. Rubber walls, rubber pillows, rubber chairs, disposable sheets, big red curtains covering small partially enclosed 'private' areas (the private areas have several 3 inch round holes in the wall located about waist high. That's great as I know somebody will poke in at anytime to make sure we're ok.), a pool table, a sauna, a potty that includes audience seating, an almost all black interior (including the rubber), a strippers poll, a jukebox, a kick-ass ping pong table, small cafe style tables and lastly towels. Tons and tons of towels. An amazing amount considering the fact that I saw no work out equipment at all. I guess you can build up quite a bit of sweat playing ping-pong and pool though.
After we took in the design and amenities we were able to get a good look at the crowd. Let me tell you, these people are with it. I mean they're so comfortable with themselves and so eager to soak in the atmospehere that most were naked. I saw ooogles of naked men sporting big smiles and waving their 'happy flappies' at every fleeing woman in sight. Very cosmopolitan. However, my girlfriend didn't appreciate this one bit and insisted on getting a drink right away.
Happy to oblige, I escorted her to the rocking bar located in the back. Sadly, it's only a juice bar, but what a variety. They must have had 35 drinks on the menu and it easily puts Jamba Juice to shame. After analyzing the menu I was torn between either the Warm Yellow Suprise or the Creamy Protien Shake. My girlfriend was pissed about not being able to have liquor and just opted for bottled water. She exused herself and went outside for air.
The sweaty and hard working bartender reccomended the Creamy Protien Shake. I was told that it's his own personal recipe. He calims that it sometimes takes up to five minutes to make and he's often tired after "whacking one out" as he put it. Well who am I to pass up an opportunity to better my health? I told him to go for it.
For the next two minutes he stood silently at the bar with his eyes shut while shaking something (a coconut maybe?) underneath the counter with his right arm. Suddenly he let out a loud grunt and shouted "Coming up!" Mixing all of those vitamins must have been a real task for the fellow because he was truly spent. He was actaully bent over the top of the counter for about thirty seconds with his head face first on the bar top panting like a dog. What service.
Around this time my girlfriend returned looking befuddled and scared. Still panting, he finally stood up, looked up at me and smiled. He raised his right hand and produced a shot glass filled with pure protien.
It looked kinda funky, had a texture similar to runny snot and a scent that I could only describe as musky with just a hint of evil. But hey, it's healthy. Healthy things never taste good, right? I grabbed it and downed his shake in one shot. My lady freaked out after I swallowed the load of sticky white stuff. She hit me on the head several times and started crying. It was totally noticeable how upset she was because I didn't share it with her. I offered to buy her one, but she told me she'd rather eat shit before drinking "one-eyed spit" - whatever that means.
This began to anger me. I'm no dummy and I could tell that she was about to start her period. I suggested we leave as to avoid creating a scene. My evening was now ruined. I wasn't going to be able to play nude ping-pong with an elderly chick that was missing her left tit that I had seen whooping everyones ass at the table. She was kinda hot for being nearly dead, but I can't tell the g/f that. I paid the $40.00 tab and we left.
Fuck.
I hope to return soon.
Down The Hatch,
Owen S. Mouth
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