A phone is a bit excessive, but I used to buy dope daily in Chicago housing projects. There were cops everywhere, circling them, just waiting for a white person to come out so they could roust them. I always carried an extra cigarette cellophane and some lotion, and regularly carried the dope to safety up my ass. Trust me, it sounds bad, but when you need a fix, it's not a huge leap.

I even went to jail a few times with it there, so I had a pick me up when things got tough during an overnight misdemeanor jag.

These memories are very helpful in keeping me on the straight and narrow these days.

I never once got a felony possession charge. The anus has many great uses aside from shitting. I enjoy fucking female ones, and obviously they are great hiding places.

Thankfully, Dope doesn't ring.