i've been there twice to shoot at stuff in the seleous in tanzania. it's as fucking magical as it is totally tragic and savage. the people aren't dumb, they're just fucking savages-and in an osmotic way not a klan way, it's like death has an alarm-clock set at every three hours to remind you it's around. something's always bleeding, something else is attacking it, everything's huge, mean or poisonous and giant animals are always fighting each other. i really want to genetically-modify polar bears to tolerate heat and introduce them to the place so all of the badass animals are in one place to duke it out. land isn't safe because of the things the size of SUV's that don't like you. water-no way, here we have ac cream getting stuck eating a chickenpatty between two cheeseburgers and getting stuck in water slides and the sharks and alligators we've got serve mostly to keep the numbers of hippie surfers and everglade-hopping hispanics down but they're useful and civil. or fun to laugh at. africa's version of ac cream is just as stupid, smelly, covered in flies and constantly grazing with dull eyes, but hippos are fucking evil. of course they have to fight other scary animals and bite crocodiles in half, i'm glad the creamster was domesticated and spayed. then, to add insult to injury they've got bull sharks that swim up freshwater rivers. this is bullshit, you should not be eaten by a shark in a river. then you're not safe in your own house--there's always a filovirus, deadly snake biting your child, or gunmen to deal with,

everything is out to get you there, it's like a videogame, but a crude but difficult one. maybe ikari-warriors. you think these people had time to deal with philosophy and mathematics? hell no, it's amazing there are still people there, give them some credit for almost making it to the bronze-age.

i'd rather be hit with a fireplace poker repeatedly than be bored and deal with dumb laws that shouldn't apply to me. if there was a cop handing out parking tickets in africa, you could just shoot them and feed them to scary animals for being annoying then bribe your way out of it. something potentially terrible but exciting is always on the horizon and i'm 26 years old and i've never set a tire on fire for tribal reasons. i love the fucking place, i hate that smartt's been allowed to live and grow obese while it's flip a coin that a kid makes it to 2. i like seeing zebras fucked up, kids live at least until the age i decide they suck, and hate smartt. thus africa's really the only direction i give money to, save for chris o'connor's overpriced shoeshine booth.
if i was in africa, i'd throw a glass of bourbon on ac cream and ignite it to double-check if obese redheads running around screaming and trying to extinguish themselves is indeed funny. but i'm not.