“Barely Legal 37: Learnin’ The Facts Of Life”
Cast: Tabitha, Courtney, Lauren, Brook, Giselle and Charlotte Ray as Mrs. Garret
Directed By: Clive McLean
Distributed/Produced: LFP/Hustler
Exec. Producer: Larry Flynt
Running Time: N/A
Additional Comments And Ratings At The End Of This Review
Intro/History:
In the mid 1980’s actress Charlotte Ray was forced to deal with a number of issues: the rise of rap music, the summer release of Porky’s 3, continued deployment of nuclear missiles in Western Europe, the possible demise of the LP and the certain cancellation of her once popular TV show The Facts Of Life. Obviously, losing the Facts Of Life was heart breaking to this veteran of TV, stage and film. Not only was she losing a healthy paycheck, but she was losing some great pussy too. Having trained these now 20-something sluts in the art of pussy eating and strap-on fucking, Charlotte Ray was left pussy-less and desperate.
The late ’80’s and most of the ’90’s (save for cheesy network TV reunions which earned her a few bucks) found Ms. Rae traveling all over South East Asia in pursuit of good snatch. She longed for what was once a regular treat: four 18 yo pieces of ass violating her like a female prison guard tossed to the inmates on Christmas Eve. Jo, Tootsie, Blair and chubby anal fister Nancy knew what it took to please the head master. However, they are gone. Often, Charlotte found herself stuck in a bar deep in downtown Bangkok crowded with dozens of ex-pats waiting for the same thing - fresh meat. The problem though, is that the chicks plain sucked. Not only were they inept with a double dong and whip, they had zero comedy skills. With most Thai hotels lacking sound stages and laugh tracks - let alone competent comedy writers and live studio audiences - Charlotte found these years to be both shallow and wasteful.
In the spring of 2003 Charlotte packed her bags and headed for the one place that she knew she could call home - the San Fernando Valley.
After several weeks of negotiations with top industry porn producers, Charlotte found a sweet deal at LFP/Hustler. Partnering with respected director Clive McLean and reviving the role of Ms. Garrett , the two created Barely Legal 37: Learnin’ The Facts Of Life
Scene 1:
Ms. Garrett, Todd Bridges and Tabitha
“Report Card Day”
[Owen Says: I have a shit load of lotion, garlic bologna sandwiches and a loaded BB gun right next to my bed where I’m writing this review. I also have large bed covers ready to cover my nearly invisible cock. This is in case my cat walks in on me in mid-wank - I hate that]
19 yo Tabitha longs to be smart. But she never will be. With an IQ of 70, Tabitha will forever be a career C student at Pierce Junior College working Part Time at Ms. Garrett’s Adult Store. Ms. G has no problem with this as Tabby will always have a home until Tabitha’s tits begins to droop or she turns 23 (whichever comes first).
Tabitha brings home her report card to an expecting Ms. Garrett. The report card reveals very average marks that Tabitha worked hard to achieve. However, a large ’D’ sits next to the subject of remedial reading. Tabitha says to herself “Hmm, well, it’s better than an E” (audience goes nuts with laughter).
Ms. Garrett walks in the living room (audience applauds). “Whore, what kinda marks did you get this semester?” (audience takes a big breath) “Well, all C’s except reading….they say I’m at a 4th grade level” replies a sad Tabitha (audience sighs). “That’s cause you’re a retard!” screams Ms. G. However, she notices the young ladies tears as they quickly swell up and quickly puts her at ease “Tabby, you’re a retard…” Ms. G slowly reaches for Tabby’s tits “….but you’re a retard with a great set of fun bags” (audience applauds and hoots.) They begin to tongue kiss (audience grunts with approval).
Suddenly we hear a window break. Tabitha tugs her shirt down and Ms. Garrett grabs her 9mm. (audience gasps). From out of nowhere a black criminal with a partially covered face (bandanna) jumps into the living room. He sees the gun and puts his hands up. Ms. Garret runs over and pulls the hood down to reveal Negro actor Todd Bridges of Different Strokes fame (audience gets crazy!). “Todd” yells a stunned Ms. G “Are you looking for crack money or a cameo in this porn?” (audience laughs approvingly). “Well, I’ll smoke some shit, though I don’t want to, but really I’m here to fuck the white girl and get some money for that” (audience claps and hollers with approval). “Ms. G, I’ll fuck Todd if you’ll let me…but only if you help”. Ms. G smiles approvingly, “OK dear, just don’t let him cum in you” (audience laughs and applauds).
The three fuck like dogs in heat for twenty minutes while individuals in the audience grunt and shout while they masturbate and cum themselves.
[Owen says: Scene 1 is great. Awesome comedy, yet touching and heart warming. The sex is nasty hot and nothing beats watching Ms. Garrett squirt into the open mouth of Todd Bridges and Tabitha. I came twice and shot myself in the toe with my BB gun so I wouldn’t waste anymore jizz on this scene and be able to enjoy the rest of this DVD]
Scene 2:
Ms. Garrett, The Harlem Globetrotters, Courtney and Lauren
“Slam Dunk”
[Owen says: more interracial in this scene I think. I wonder if Kobe will make a cameo too?]
An unhappy Lauren sits on the couch with an ice bag to her jaw. Courtney walks in and asks what’s wrong. “I had to work the glory hole last night in the store!” (audience whistles knowingly). “I must have sucked thirty dicks and now I think I got cock jaw!” (audience laughs). Courtney laughs, “You mean lock jaw silly!” Courtney sits behind Lauren on the back of the ouch and taps her on the head with a rubber dildo.
[Owen Says: so you know, the living quarters and adult store are at one location. So don’t get confused fuckers.]
Lauren hears the door chime in the front of the store “Hey girl, I’m gonna take care of this customer” “OK,” replies Courtney. Lauren through the door and out of our view. We’re left alone with Courtney turning on the TV.
Suddenly Lauren screams “Oh my goodness!” (the audience gasps). Courtney runs to the front of the shop. All at once with my own personal shock, Courtney’s awesome acting and an audience taken aback, we see the WROLD FAMOUS HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS!! The audience actually starts screaming players names and people run on camera to shake hands with the most famous player ’Curly’ (they are dragged off stage by burly security dudes). The scene is near mayhem and just an awesome moment! The players are even dressed in uniform.
Anyway, the girls ask what they can do to accommodate these traveling superstars. “Well” says Curly “Me and the boys would love to run some warm-up drills in those tight little assholes of yours. See, the gym didn‘t have us scheduled and the game is in two hours!” (audience goes fucking ballistic). The girls look at each other, high-five and quickly pull their pants down. From out of nowhere a fired-up Ms. Garrett walks in. “Hey, maybe you boys could use my ass as a backboard?” (audience giggles knowingly as Ms. Garrett has the widest behind in all of Network Television, let alone porn).
Moments later we see three asses lined up in a row, each being pumped and gaped by a player in a rotating line of basketball stars. The world famous Globetrotter theme music plays in the background. After all the players cum internally in the lovely ladies assholes, we’re switched to a few minutes of awesome live Globetrotter play (I think they were playing some college team).
[Owen says: I went through tons of lotion with this scene. Great acting by Lauren and Courtney. The Globetrotters are always a treat]
Scene 3
Brook, Giselle, Ms. Garrett
“Baked Bread Samples”
[Owen says: Can’t believe I have only one scene left here. Serious bummer.]
Brook runs into Giselle’s bedroom interrupting her early morning masturbation ritual. “Hey Giselle, guess what?” “Um, I’m not gonna get to cum this morning?“ replies a pissed Giselle (audience laughs real hard). “Ha ha, sorry Giz, I was just excited when I found out that I have a yeast infection!” (audience can’t believe it). Giselle bounces out of bed, “Whaaa?” She runs over to hug Brook and slips a hand on her tit at the same time. “You did it Brook, you’re a ‘lil tramp, just like the rest of us” (audience lets out a heart-felt ‘awww’). The two embrace in a long, deep kiss and eventually goes all the way to Brook eating Giselle’s tight pussy to orgasm. After Giz has her near violent orgasm, Brook runs out of the room to further spread the great news. Giselle mumbles a thank you to a now absent Brook before falling back to sleep.
Brook finds Ms. Garrett in the kitchen eating raw bacon. “Hey Ms. G, good morning”. Ms. G is busy chewing feverishly on the raw bacon and only has time to tap Brook on the ass. “Ms. G, guess what!”. Ms. G spits out her bacon and says “I guess I won’t be finishing my breakfast” (audience laughs hard at this continuing joke). “Oh, my bad - again” she pulls up a chair to Ms. G and makes a morning cocktail of vicodin, orange, pineapple and prune juice. Ms. G puts the pile of pork back in her mouth. “I’m just so stoked I got a yeast infection” Brook shouts after downing her drink. Ms. G spit’s the meat out again (audience laughs uncontrollably). “Oh Princess, this is great!” Ms. Gets up and moves to the kitchen counter where she grabs a bowl and spoon. “This is your right of passage, and with it comes a tradition” Ms. G explains. “Brook, strip, hop up on the counter and squat” Brook obeys. Ms. G approaches her exposed pussy which is almost at eye level and spoons some pussy yeast into the bowl. “What the hell are we doing?” asks a very confused Brook. “Young lady, you’re going to the doctor to get that yeast taken care of. As for me, I’m making bread.” (audience sighs lovingly). “Sweet! Fresh bread from my own body! Can we share it with the customers?” asks Brook. “Of course darling, in fact I want you to hand it to them tonight in front of the peep booths” Ms. G smiles and goes to get eggs and flour. Brook leaves to see the doctor.
Brook sees the doctor and forgets her wallet. She blows the doc as a form of payment. This scene is done in a Benny Hill fast frame fashion. We hear the theme from Midnight Express used during this segment.
We’re brought back to the store later that night where we see a proud Brook passing out bread to entering peep booth customers. One man, dressed in a raincoat and floppy brown hat approaches Brook “Ya know, the wife made a bread similar to this. God rest her soul“ (the audience is very emotional). “But hey, now I got a mail order bride and boy is she nasty!” (audience is relieved). The Philippine lady of 22 years of age enters. The old rain coater goes on “She makes some good bread too. Kinda coco nutty cause she’s exotic and all.” His face lights up “Hey maybe the two of you could put your dirty pussies together and make some recipes!” Brook thinks out loud “Yes, and we can sell it to all the adult stores!“
“Great, now why don’t you two get together in a booth while I tell Ms. Garrett. We’ll come in and watch you two in a minute” explains the business minded pervert.
We cut to a dirty oversized booth with both Brook and the Asian chick doing each other like mad. An approving husband and Ms. G look on while fondling each other.
Disc ends with a ‘To Be Continued……”
{Owen says: Awesome ending. The all girl action left me breathless and without any more sandwiches. Can’t wait to see how this story develops]
Rating:
1 To 10 With 10 Being Best
Story: 10 Out Of 10 Stars
Lighting: 10 Out Of 10 Stars
Acting: 10 Out Of 10 Stars
Overall: I give it a 3 Out Of 10 Stars
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