Here's a little background. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili
taster named Frank who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois. He said,"I am honored to be selected as a judge at a Texas chili cook-off. The original judge phoned in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges, both native Texans, that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the notes from the event:

CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 Exciting barbecue flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer
when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 A bit salty; good use of peppers.
Judge #3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from
all of this beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC CHILI
Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300-pound woman is
starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
chili
an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm
worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with
a snow cone.

CHILI #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. (I should note that I am worried
about
Judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing
uncontrollably.)
Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava which
matches
the front of my shirt. At least during the autopsy, there'll be no
doubt
about what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too
painful.
Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8 BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it, poor feller.
Judge #3 No Report

TD,

The best chili that I ever had was concocted from this critter

Nice T-Daddy, good for a laugh!

I was bored and it made me laugh out loud, so I put it up for everyone.

Very funny. I think I read that long ago, but thanks for the refresh.

I grew up in Texas, but actually had occasion to attend a chili cook off in Michigan once. Michigan people are half breeds. They are half goddamn yankee, and half hick midwesterner.

But they still wouldn't know chili if is shot from their assholes like a broken fire hydrant spraying the pickaninnies in South Chicago.