#1

Returning home from work, a blonde is shocked to find her house
burglarized.

She telephones the police, and a nearby K-9 unit is the first to
respond.

As the officer and dog approach the house, the woman storms out onto
the porch and shouts, "I get robbed, I call the police for help, and
they send me a blind cop?"

#2

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into
the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to
the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily,
back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again,
marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "You’ve got mail!"

#3

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door,
and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well,
now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as
she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her
own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."

#4

A man was listening to the radio when he heard that there was a car
heading the wrong way down Interstate 7; he knew his wife was
driving on it at the time. He frantically called her on his cell
phone and yelled hysterically, "Honey, watch out! There is a car
going the wrong way on Interstate 7!"

His wife replied, "There isn’t just one car! There are hundreds of
them!"

#5

A blonde, her husband, and two children are all sitting in their
living room watching television.

The blonde turns to her husband and says, "Honey, why don’t we send
the kids out back to P-L-A-Y, so we can fuck!"

#6

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always
yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband
staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie.
She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

"It’s getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why
don’t we go upstairs to bed."

"We might as well," slurs the husband. "I’m going to be in trouble
when I get home, anyway."

#7

Two blondes walk up to a counter and decide to check out some of the
free samples of perfume.

The first one looks at the second one and asks, "What's this perfume
called? It smells familiar."

The second one replies, "It says here it's called Viens a Moi,
whatever that means."

A kindly sales lady overhears the two blondes talking, smiles, and
tell them "Viens a Moi is French. It mean 'Come to Me.'"

The first blonde takes another big whiff and exclaims, "No, this
doesn't smell like come to me. Bridgette, does this smell like come
to you?"

#8

A little boy came down to breakfast..

Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his
chores..

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his
chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this
morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks
the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"