A poor work of satire, in which two survivors of the Reverse Bukkake craze of the Bush years converse in regards to obtaining equipment, so that they may better themselves financially.


Phone ringing......the curtains drawn, rays of washed out sunlight poking their way through the holes.

'Uhhh...hello?'

'Yo, Steele, it's Knox, wake yo ass up.'

'Dude, it's like 3 in the afternoon, what the fuck?'

'I gotta big score, it's beautiful baby, quick in and out and we're done.'

'I told you, I'm out of the game, I've moved on with my life. I gotta shit load of YouTubing to do and massacre victims to insult now.'

'Just hear me out baby, Bukkake Mike rang we this morning. He's tired of being an outsider looking in, he wants to get mad dollars making spooge movies. Maybe a few tears too late, but hey, don't hate like those fanbois. He's got a warehouse in Reseda all set up, got the convicts clamouring to line up and pull themselves off...only this time, he ain't gonna pay them anything. Boy is a genius. His connect told him where the shit's at. Get ready for Florida son.'

'Florida? That's like a week on a bus dude, and I ain't got the time for that shit anymore. Besides, we ain't connected there, how the fuck we gonna get out? And dude, I ain't a member of the public library system there, how can I bore everyone on LIB and reply to my own comments?'

'It's all good, Mike was talking to the man in Siam, he's got a tiki boat we can lay low in till the heat dies down. I think there's wi-fi, but you gotta leach it of someone nearby. Or buy some pre-paid?'

'Dude, what? I ain't got that kind of scratch. Tell me what the job is, and I'll think about it.....'

'Cameras mang, we can be living like the true porn kings we were destined to be. You can film all the content you want for YouTube, shit man, film the motherfucking LAPD all day until they get sick of it and beat the shit out of you. Get you a sweet payout from the city.'

'I'm interested. But dude, can you lend me the bus fare?'

'Man, shit's tight enough as is. My mom wants rent, and the pipe is a demanding mistress. Shit, I'll be out of credit after this call. Why don't you borrow off your moms? Or better yet, play guitar on the street and read shitty poetry in a loud voice. It's Hollywood, people just think you're crazy and give you money...2 days of that and you'll have enough for the plane. Think about it....the plane!'

'OK, I'm in. Just let me leave my cell phone somewhere in Van Nuys. I ain't getting caught like that again. That way, if anything goes wrong with the phone, I can talk about it in 2019 on LIB and complain about the person who did me the favor.'

'Aight...later baby. Call me when you got the dollars...we gonna show all those fanbois who the true playas are. Peace baby.'

pure genius.reads like a good heist movie.lols abound

I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for chapter 2.

The pipe a demanding mistress. Right.

Genius. More please.

Give us a few days, work is a demanding mistress as well, there should be 3 parts.

Nice work.

They exited the airport, the doors opened and introduced them to the outside heat. It had rained earlier, and the sun was evaporating the water on the asphalt, adding a new dimension of humidity that only Florida could do. No mariachis here, only mambo......

‘Dude, flight? LAX to Denver to Houston to Miami? The fuck man, I thought we were friends?’

Knox was annoyed, but hid it well. ‘Hey, I paid and you agreed, OK? Just because the meth head Elvis impersonator on Hollywood and Vine beat you with your guitar doesn’t make you a martyr, ok? You were fucking with the man’s turf brah. And that means fucking with his money, which means fucking with his supply.‘

Steele had to agree. Knox’s suggestion that he perform music and street poetry to raise funds was a good one, but he’d chosen the wrong corner. ‘Whatever, it reminds of the time that me and the anthropologist went to Amoeba, dude, Ben Folds was playing a set, but he didn’t get assaulted. Fucking people everywhere got it out for me, they know a threat when they see one.’ He paused, the TJ hair plugs were itching like an ant colony in the humidity. Fucking Mexican MD’s, they were all in on it too.

Knox turned and spoke, a band of sweat forming around the band of his frayed Cal State Northridge cap, a souvenir of a happier time, ‘Seriously mang, did those TSA women give you Reverse Bukkake flashbacks? Fucked up shit...’

Suddenly his phone buzzed. He checked the screen, and said ‘it’s on, Mike’s almost here.’ No sooner than the sentence was spoken that a windowless, crusty old Econoline van pulled up to the curb. Mike rolled the window down, and said ‘Get in.’

Knox called shotgun with the enthusiasm of a 12 year old, and jumped into the front. Steele, once again, had to take a backseat. ‘Bukkake Mieeeeke’ Knox said, holding his fist up for a bump. Mike eyed him coldly. ‘Pauly Shore wasn’t funny twenty years ago dickhead, and you not funny now.’ He let the fist hang mid-air, watching as Knox lowered it slowly. ‘You two numbnuts finally got here. How did you come up with the money?’ he said as he got the van moving.

‘I told my parents I was going to rehab, and Jeremy was my sponsor. My mom bought us two one way tickets, no baggage, with two stops’

Steele piped up, ‘and we had to pay for carry on luggage. Jokes on them though, we don’t have bags. Is there a Goodwill nearby where we can buy a change of clothes?’ He would remain silent no longer. ‘All this being around airports is bad man, I mean the TSA is one thing, but chem trails are everywhere here man, it’s the source, and I ain’t feeling too well. It reminds of the time I was hanging around the set of...’

Mike pulled the van over. He looked over the seat and said ‘Steele, you believe in the moon landing?”

‘No way man, total fake. If you look at all the documented evidence on You Tube you can see for yourself.’

The irritation on Mike’s face couldn’t be hidden. ‘OK. I’ll make you a deal. You don’t spout off any conspiracy theory bullshit, and I won’t take you to Cape Canaveral and shove you into a methane rocket headed to the sun. Agreed?’ Knox’s eyes glinted greedily at the thought of a meth fueled rocket. Steele lowered his head and nodded. Nobody cared about the truth.

All of a sudden a voice piped up from the rear of the van “Mike, are these the two mufuckas supoosed to help us dawg? I could have gone to the homeless shelter and got me a couple of dudes that would have worked this job for a pack of Newports.’

Steele and Knox turned around to be greeted by the sight of a black man laid out in Dodgers gear. ‘Who are you?’ Steele asked, his Spidey sense tingling along with the hairplugs.

‘Don’t you mind’ Mike said. ‘He comes recommended by the man in Lancaster. Robbing porn sets is this guys specialty. He’s quick and clean and knows what he’s doing.’

‘But dude, Dodgers? In Miami? That’ll stand out. Like this time that I introduced the anthropologist to Belladonna, who I never tried to kiss.’ His senses were screaming “PATSY” in big red letters. Something wasn’t right.

‘Listen, dipshit, just do what you’re supposed to do. We’re pulling over for lunch, then we’re going to the job. I’ll explain what you have to do, you two retards listen and do it, and then we’re done. Everyone’s happy. Don’t worry about his outfit. You think we haven’t thought of that? Huh? You fucking buttplug, I oughtta....’ he leant back to slap Steele, but Knox stayed his hand.

‘Dude, save that hand for cranking it bro, how you gonna count your strokes if your shits all bruised up?’

Mike saw his point and lowered his hand from Steele’s face, the other hand steering the van into the parking lot of a sketchy burger place. Mike asked the black guy ‘Dodger, you coming in?’ ‘Nah man, I’ll chill here, don’t want too many people seeing me with these two fuck stains.’ ‘Fair enough. All right you two, let’s get some chow.’

I'm just glad Jeremy and Knox can't afford plane tickets, so no one will put out an APB for em.

Fucking Mexican MDs.

I have a suggestion for the next misadventures.

Jeremy and Ryan's Bogus Journey 2: Mopes In Space.

What the fuck are we talking about here?

You and Jeremy Steele robbing the Bang Bros offices.

They sat in a booth, and waited for their food. ‘OK, here’s the deal. Steele, I need you to go and sleaze onto the receptionist. Bore her to death. Tell her what a major player in the industry you are and you’re here to work. She’ll no doubt call security. You complain and whine and get kicked off the premises. Knox, you just walk around the perimeter looking like a homeless tweaker. Try and climb a fence or something, get security distracted. We were going to get Rick Madrid to play your part, but a methed out Hispanic will get shot, which causes problems. When you two morons have gotten marched off the premises, walk north for two blocks and we’ll pick you up. Get you a change of clothes, maybe even a shower. We’ll have finished our part, and we’re off to a tiki boat holiday, OK? We’ll be dropping you off where we’ll pick you up from. Nice and simple.’ Knox and Steele nodded, it sounded easy. Steele was practiced in boring people to death, and Knox was jonesing so badly the crazy tweaker part was becoming more and more a reality.

They got back to the van, only now Dodgerman was driving. Mike got into the front seat, and Steele and Knox got into the back. They drove in silence for half an hour, the Miami streetscape flashing past them all the while. The van pulled up to a public toilet block. ‘Get out,’ Mike said, ‘you two should be familiar with public johns. See, I made this easy. Walk down the street, but give each other a 5 minute gap. Try not to fuck this up. If you do, you’ll be answering to bigger people than me.’

With that, they got out. Steele looked around and said ‘Dude, I don’t know. Something’s fishy here.’ Knox was too busy scratching his arms to give a shit, and said ‘Steele, can you shut the fuck up and save it for the receptionist. The quicker this is done, the quicker I can suck on the glass dick of love. You go first, it’ll take a while for you to wind up to full bullshit mode.’ Knox glanced around, parks were always good places to score, but alas nobody was around. Steele started walking, not looking back.

The van was parked near the office, the loading dock in full view. Mike saw Steele walk into the reception. They waited, then all of a sudden Knox came power walking behind him. ‘The fuck? I told those morons to come separately. Fucking idiots.’ Dodger wasn’t impressed. ‘Looks like preppy got himself some rock to smoke, mufucker is toned UP. Look at him dawg.’ He was right. Knox had to do a detox shit in the toilet, and lo and behold, in walked a dealer. After bartering for a minute, Knox blew him and got a twenty rock. It wasn’t meth, but any port in a storm. ‘Fuck it’ said Mike, ‘we’ll give them 5 minutes. Then we get the cameras.’

They pulled the van up to the loading dock, and waited. Out came a security guard with a clipboard, scratching his balls as he walked. ‘What’s up guys? You got the Bang Bus duty?’ He paused, looking cooly at the pair. ‘Do I know you guys? Where’s the regular crew?’ Dodgerman was prepared for this. ‘Nah dawg, they sent us because we gotta learn the ropes. They need cameras and shit, so send the new guys to do it. Always fuckin with a brother.’ The guard, who has black himself, knew exactly what was being said. ‘I feel you man.’ He looked over at Mike and said ‘maybe we should have ouselves a nice cracker beating.’ They both looked over at Mike, who smiled nervously.....’we just fuckin wichoo white boy’ he laughed as he spoke. Nervous white people were dangerous in Obama’s America. ‘OK, you guys got codes?’ Codes? The connect had said nothing about codes. Mike started to sweat. Maybe it was a set up. Dodgerman was on it though. ‘Codes? They said you’d be helping us out. Couldn’t trust us they said, too new.’ He handed him over a forged pick up slip, ‘They said give you this and you’d be helping us out.’

The guard looked the sheet over, ‘OK, looks good. I’ll let you in and we’ll get started.’ He turned around, walked to the door and punched in the numbers. As it rolled up, Mike walked over and stuck a gun in the poor guys back. ‘Alright, just be quiet, let us do our thing, and you’ll be fine.’ The guard nodded in resignation, knowing he’d be fired after being thoroughly investigated by The Man. Fuckers.

They loaded up, the storage area being an Alladin’s Cave of tech gear. ‘Just the cameras, the other stuff’s too hard to fuck around with’ said Mike. Dodger nodded, looked over at the bound and gagged guard, and said ‘Don’t worry brother, you gonna be all right. I’ll see to it.’ Once the van was full, they drove off, closing up after them.


Meanwhile, Steele had done a thorough job with the receptionist. As a SAG Member, he put himself into character by pretending to rock up to a party uninvited with no beer and a guitar. The poor girl had already made her quota of middle aged perverts that day, and as he regaled her with how misunderstood he really was, she pressed the security buzzer. Seemingly out of nowhere an absolute fucking unit appeared. ‘Problem Melissa?’

‘Yeah, this weed won’t fucking leave me alone, seems to think I’m interested in how relevant he is. Also, Sandy Hook was apparently a hoax. Plus, he’s looking for work. Can you please deal with this Clive?’

The guard looked at Steele. ‘Hoax eh?’

‘Yeah, just look at the evidence, the families were laughing, and it’s obvious Obama met the victims later, look at the videos, the truth is there, and if you can’t see it, then you’re Roy Garcia.’

‘No fucking idea who he is, but my cousin is an EMT who was one of the first responders, and I’m going to tear your fucking dick off and feed it to you. That’s if it’s not a hoax.’ He hadn’t even drawn his firearm, there was no trigger discipline needed with this stain. All the frustration from Afghanistan, his divorce, moving to Florida......he sensed blood, and wanted it.

He started forward, and Steele did the best Roadrunner impersonation anyone had ever done. He ran. And ran. And ran. The guard stopped. He’d have his satisfaction one way or another. He turned around, and the receptionist said ‘You’re one creepy middle aged I wouldn’t mind blowing. Step over here.............’

@3:50 cameo by Germy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHLAq3VffHo

In the interest of brevity and the fact I'm on a bit of a bender....



They all got in the van, everyone hyped up and sweaty, the adrenaline pumping. Cameras galore in the back, along with Steele and Knox.

‘Dude’, Mike said, ‘We gotta pull over, you need to get changed’ Dodger pulled over, they were near the Donkeys tiki getaway spot anyway.

‘Put these on, you’ll blend in. A friend gave them to me when he left the Valley.....’

Dodger took off his Dodgers gear and pulled on the Dolphins jersey and hat. All of a sudden, he felt a jolt flow through him, a jolt that made him whip himself around....

‘Dude, the fuck was that?’ Mike said.

‘It was like, like, I had a radio audience of tens of millions and only 6 people were listening.’

‘Are you cool? ‘Cause we got a date with the Donkey, and Steele needs to get on to LIB’

Dodger looked miserable, pulled a Desert Eagle out and said ‘Really sorry Mike, I gotta do this. Just know that you’re cool’ and pulled the trigger. Mike tumbled down the side of the road. Dodger actually felt bad, Mike was the kind of guy who didn’t get racial, didn’t want to save him from being black, didn’t want to ask how big his dick was. Unlike Knox and Steele. Mike just wanted to chill, get laid and talk about how hard it was getting by in the world.

Steele and Knox were stuck in the back of the van. Dodger turned around and said ‘you motherfuckers are next if you don’t keep quiet. The Donkey’s been cancelled. We gotta go somewhere new. You guys are wanted by someone big.’ They pulled out and started on their way out of Miami......the further north in Florida you go,the further south you are....

Carl Hiaasen reads xpt?

'Dude, the fuck? You didn't say anything about murder?!' Steele was freaking out.

'Hey player, you want to mix with the big dogs...oh shit I don't know. What the fuck is happening dude' said Knox.

The van kept on driving.....soon the only lights were from the freeway and other cars. Steele and Knox were still worried enough that they were next on the block that they kept their mouths shut. Finally they started to pull into the haze of Tampa....

Dodger turned around. "Aight you fucking idiots. We're almost there. If, and I mean if, you keep your mouths shut, you may walk out."

The van pulled up to a cinder block house that wasn't out of place on COPS. Palm fronds in the yard and a whole mess of neighbourhood shit heels out and about. Knox peered out the window and exclaimed "Holy fuck dude, I've been here before"

Steele wan't impressed, but Knox kept on. 'Brandon took me to this area once a few years back. He had a whole heap of fake Versace shit on, but all the wannabe suitcases out here were impressed. He gave them a $20.00 and his card, told them to call him when they got out to LA with their girlfriends. This house was some sort of hub....the woman was already pimping out her kin...."