For sale: Gently used 5x8 foot carpet, guaranteed not to give rug burns. Who wants to open the bidding? Serious and non-serious offers welcome.
Buy today and I will throw in an autographed copy of LOAD MY MOUTH.

I'll give you a couple of gallons of premium white paint to cover up your ghastly wall color if you promise to not throw it in the trash where someone could recover it and inflict grave bodily harm on themselves by touching its surface with their bare skin. Burn it instead. Better safe than sorry man.

Cash offers preferred. No bartering.
It's worth noting that the new owner would have enough DNA to clone me. Imagine all the fun you could have in 18 years and 9 months from day of purchase!

Conservative.

Is it easy to mail toxic waste?

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does it match the drapes ?
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Brandon mistakes everywhere for Craigslist.

My savings will last me through next Thursday. After that, I'm broke. I will contact the Erotic Heritage Museum in Las Vegas to see if they will give it a good home but I would rather have a crisp $20 bill in my pocket.

Plunk 2 loads on it and Panzer will buy it. He is into condiments.

This carpet is perfumed with the scent of Nikita Bellucci's feet and ass. Does that change things for anyone?

Everyone stand back. This is a job for hazmat.

you may have to throw in that tee you always wear..

I will step things up by offering Jodi Taylor's empty can of 7UP. Let me tell you, I was 7UP too.

That's not 7Up. If you're going to try and make some money for once do it right. It's Cherry 7Up, unless she had a stockpile of Pomegranate 7Up

True, it was Cherry 7UP. None of it got on the carpet. Back to the bidding war. What is your opening bid, Jig?

A little bird told me that you tried to roll that carpet up and it wouldn't bend or roll. Too crusty. Izzat true?

-$2.00

If he would just replace it everything he has to roll it around a body....

A vacuum can do only so much. There are calcified deposits that go back nearly a decade. Before Bree Olson walked on Charlie Sheen's carpet, she walked on this one. Before Brianna Love brought life into the world, she gave birth to a legacy of hope that still inspires and uplifts me...well, parts of me.

Cynics will say, "Hey, Iron! Isn't that the same tired blanket? Same throw pillows? Are they included, too? The answers: Yes, yes, no. Like in The Big Leblowski, this carpet ties the room together. Yes, there is some urine on it, too, but that's to be expected due to hiring some legends of the "squirting" genre of the mid-00s.

A potpourri of cheap 99 cent store perfume, sweat, piss, and desperation will waft to the new owner's nose. Mother's Day is coming up soon, too! Think of how many former guests are now bouncing little bundles of joy on their laps instead of their tongues. Celebrate the miracle of life with this carpet, friends.

Is that $2 or -$2? Need clarification, please. If it's the former, you are in the lead and there is no reserve bid.

Negative $2. Consider it an IOU that will never be paid. If the can is empty why isn't Alex bidding on it?

Taking a cue from www.lukeisback.com, I am cutting my price by 50% in hopes of speeding up the sale of my carpet. The last offer was negative $2. I'm not a mathematician. Does that mean a 50% discount makes it negative $3 or negative $1?

One gallon of premium white latex interior paint then and an asbestos like recovery and containment operation to safely dispose of said rug.

You can take your Measure B latex requirement and stuff it, sir.
This is a cash only transaction.

Hey now! I'm not one of your "dates".

Look, the truth is at the end of most of my shoots I make a pinkie promise with the girl to do it again. That means I have to bring in some moolah to pay for it. The wolf is at the door, fellas, and I know I can count on the hard-working members of xxxporntalk.com to come through for me so I can continue to not work at all.

Thanks in advance for your continued support. The rug will be available for private viewings until 11:00pm tonight, the call time for my next encounter.

Could I pick the rug up in person? What is it, like 6'x3'? If so, I could probably roll you up in it, like a burrito, then set it on fire.

Do you film whores at such hours hoping they are loaded by the time they get to the Mustard Mansion?

My talent is often busy during office hours. I assume they are high-powered executives, real movers and shakers. I often ask them to keep moving and shaking when they get out of their work clothes.

For the record, my carpet is 5x8.

how much for that bottle on the floor ? is it clean? or does it have crack whore juice on it..? And also do you ship? id like to send that wine bottle to Henderson NV..

No bottles are included in the sale. My home-brew ruffie coladas are as irreplaceable as your grandmother's chicken soup recipe. The carpet is clean-ish. It has been vacuumed but not steam cleaned. I have not tested it for any type of juices but it's reasonable to assume it's a bouillabaisse of saliva, bile, cum, sweat, yeast, and a pinch of fecal matter.
Shipping is not included, just like Craigslist. I want to avoid the scammers.
Rob Black did a feature on the carpet on his internet radio show yesterday. Obviously, he still wields tremendous power and is in no way some ranting lunatic with a microphone. I expect this carpet to be gone in the next 48 hours. Act quickly.

One way or another.

I object to your characterization that my carpet has so many germs it may get up and walk away on its own. Stop slandering my rug or you will hear from my lawyer.

I see they have contacted you already. I now consider this matter closed.

I expect 10% of the total sale price..Delivered in US dollars unmarked


Own a piece of history! Brandon Irons Is Having a Sale

Have you joined my carpet affiliate program?

Panzer's going to call the Better Business Bureau on you for baiting him with a word that begins with tran.

Brandon you could become the martha stewart of porn and bring the skeet blanket to the masses.

They had a broken keyboard, I bought a broken keyboard
I bought a skeet blanket, then I bought a knee board

Wait'll you see the girls on their knee boards.

Seriously, though, if I could just sell this ratty old rug and get a new one, I'd be on the upswing again. Girls want to feel classy when they are sucking off a guy they just met. They want to kneel on faux fur or sheepskin or something. Please help make this happen.

Before you sell it, you gotta get a whore in Down Doggy on it. Then, while you are pounding it, tell her you have fucked 600 chicks on that carpet and never cleaned it. Make sure you have a camera pointed at her face to get her reaction.

The carpet will be the star from now on. That's called thinking outside the box.

Crispy Rug Munchers. Apparently.

If it hasn't been done before, I'm on the cutting edge.

The CarpetBangers

HAZMAT will never let that carpet into the USA.,.Brandon do you offer a carpet smuggler as part of the deal? Maybe Nat can keester it and bring it back for a small price...

"Is that a 5x8 carpet in your ass or are you just happy to see me?"

Maybe you should tweet to Hillary Clinton about the sale. I heard rumors she is a carpet muncher.

I put all my faith in Rob Black's internet radio station. He did a big 20 minute feature on the carpet earlier this week yet there seems to be no interest. Either he doesn't have that many people listening to him or my 9 year old carpet is not an item in demand. Not sure which is true.