A friend of mine found this on
http://notproud.com/lust/lust9193.php and I thought some of you might find it interesting. Some of what he says strikes true to me. Sorry for the poor formatting, that's how the original is posted.
04/16/2004 at 16:40:08
I like to log onto my high-speed internet connection and hunt for free hardcore porn videos. I have been searching for more of the "rough" variety of porn lately... girls gagging on cocks, being humiliated, gangbangs, fistfucking... basically men fucking girls so hard that they seem to be in physical pain. It's the only stuff that gets me off anymore. I'm not a chauvinist, nor am I into sadism. I am partial to masochism, but for non-erotic reasons. It's not that I necessarily enjoy seeing a woman slapped and spit on before a huge load blows all over her face. As a matter of fact, it's the contrary. But when I'm masturbating, seeing a pretty girl defiled is the only way I can achieve any sort of satisfaction. I feel connected to her through the misery and self-loathing I glimpse in her semen-soaked eyes. Girls in porn are actresses, just like the girls on the big screen. They have to look like they actually enjoy sucking a cock or getting pounded in the ass by a huge dick. I fucking hate actresses. What really turns me on is when I can look into the girl's face and see the reality. I like to see the girls flinch. I like to witness the moment where I can read the girl's thoughts, and what she's thinking is, "Oh my God, what am I doing?" I've seen a porno where a girl suddenly started crying because she was so humiliated. At that moment, she's real, and all of her defenses and fronts are gone. She's vulnerable. That's what touches me. That's what I relate to. That's what it takes to make me cum. Sure, I can appreciate a girl who really seems like she loves to fuck, but it's so hard to tell if it's real. When a girl gags on an eight inch cock that's being forced down her throat, when she tries to back away for air and her eyes look up at the camera helplessly, I find my soul. It's my mirror reflecting the real me. Girls in real life are actresses too. They pretend to like you, pretend to be so deep and understanding, but it all comes down to the same thing. They want something. Money, attention, security, whatever it is, they want it, and they will do whatever it takes... make you believe whatever you want to believe... to get it from you. And if you're stupid enough to fall for it, you give it away, and they walk away. Not all girls are the same. I know I've met a real one. One who was every bit of what she said she was. But if that reality isn't enclosed safely inside a computer monitor or a television screen, I'm too afraid of it and I hide from it. I been hidden so long that I'm lost, and I can't get back to where I was. So I seek out the shallow, the empty and the actresses, and unless they leave me abandoned and ashamed, I'll walk away from them disappointed and numb. The only reason I hate actresses is because they mirror me. I am an actor, a liar. I don't want to lie anymore, but I keep falling into the same pitfalls. Afraid of what I am without my stage persona. Afraid of being completely alone and unloved. It takes more bravery than I feel I can muster, but I want to shed my front and be real. I just want to be humiliated and disgraced, and I want my ego to be totally disintegrated so that I can be naked and crying. I am a vampire. Not the blood-sucking type. I feed off of other people's emotions, because I am incapable of accessing my own. And through all this reflection, this confession doesn't change anything. I will still seek the weak and shallow, and be consumed by those who seek me. There is no answer to this. Just distraction.
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