Posted by: Gunker
Fundamental Laws of Porn (FLOP) - 10/09/09 08:39 PM
It's been a long time since I've posted these (2008 FLOP Posting) and I need to reference 'em so:
#1: whores lie
#2: male performers have NO stroke value
#3: way too much man-ass in hetero porn (please minimize the use of the dreaded "ball-cam" angle. Any amount of time that 70% of the screen is occupied by the dude's ass and nut sack is too much)
#4: double-pen in the same orifice is gay
#5: Generally, European porn stars are much dirtier than their American counterparts
#6: when a dude is getting it up the ass, no matter if it's from a woman, tranny or another dude, it's gay
#7: if you have a small dick and fuck like a chick with a strap on you shouldn't be a stunt cock
#8: interracial gangbangs demonstrate how far we’ve come as a country regarding race
#9: if she doesn’t do anal, and she’s not Christy Canyon, she’s not a legitimate porn star
#10: piss, vomit and/or scat ain't sex(y)
#11: too many tattoos and piercings and it becomes an unpleasant freak show
#12: if you must show cunnilingus, make sure the guy doesn’t have a moustache (see Ron Jeremey and Christy Canyon; looks like the Tribbles Star Trek episode)
#13: the male talent shall keep grunting and moaning to a minimum
#14: don't jump to the guy's face during the money shot
#15: there shall be no unattended pussy in a FFM threesome scene at any time
#16: close up shots have their place, but it's not two thirds of the movie; pull back, establish and let us get on with the important business of jerking off to the whole girl, not just the meat piston
#17: genuine sounds of balls slapping against girl's ass or cock slamming into wet cunt shall not be interrupted by talents' over dramatic moaning or porn banter
#18: The bts interviewer shall not ask how the girl got into porn if she's been doing porn longer than 6 months
#19: if it's a comp, let the box cover say it's a comp; don't dress it up as all new scenes
#20: if the movie is shot in HD, cast must have good complexions (and definitely, no ass zits)
#21: if it's on the box, it shall be in the movie
#22: if an act is described as “her first time”, it shall not be common knowledge that it is far from her first time
#23: unless your name is Andrew Blake, let us hear the actual noises instead of the music, no matter how much you paid your cousin to create it with Pro Tools
#24: squirt is pee (see #10)
#25: every whore has a price
#26: the more cum that lands above her mouth, and the more surprised/upset she is about it, the better; if she actually starts to whimper, it's rewind time
#27: in porn, for every one great boob job, there are 76 shit ones around the corner
#28: someone else’s baby jam on/in a girl is off limits; stick your dick elsewhere or towel her off/make her swallow
#29: nine out of ten whores say they are in porn for the "great sex" and "close friendships," when in reality they are motivated in the following order of importance: 60% money/Donna Karan sunglasses/Gucci handbags; 20% getting back at their fucking asshole parents; 10% support/augment drug dependency’; 10% support suitcase pimp's drug dependency
#30: when a whore says they "don't do drugs any more," it means they still smoke unbelievable amounts of pot, and drink like fishes
#31: not all attention-whores are porn girls, but all porn girls are attention-whores
#32: if you have a catch-phrase, you're a douche
#33: girls turn 18 every day
#34: retired whore makes a comeback = rent is due
#35: whores never learn
#36: whores are never retired, they are just between sex-related “career opportunities”
#37: directors shall keep babbling to a minimum
#38: limit stills; flash bulbs going off is distracting
#39: big-budget porn (e.g. “Conquest”, “Private Gladiator”) is a waste of perfectly good money that could be better spent on costlier sex acts; i.e., would you rather see a wooden ship or an anal gangbang?
#40: slow-motion and replay shall be kept to the barest minimum
#41: if the male talent is taking a long time to cum, edit it out; no one wants to see 60+ seconds of a guy desperately stroking himself off (and moaning) while the female talent mentally composes her shopping list (see #29)
#42: eventually, to maintain interest, female talent will have to do anal (e.g. Eva Angelina)
#43: whores can't do porn forever; sometimes you have to grow up and move on
#44: when a whore holds off anal for too long, no one cares
#45: if you are shot out and get breast implants, you are still shot out
#46: never talk about your kids on your porn site; a real wood killer
#47: how about a girl who sucks beyond the goddamn helmet; half these bitches don't belong in the industry, because they can't give proper head
#48: during anal sex, the phrase “fuck the shit out of me” (or variations thereon) shouldn’t be uttered
#49: the more ridiculously out of place a whore looks in how she's dressed (e.g. hot pants, clear heels, etc.), the better
#50: asses are much improved by being bigger (within reason) and wetter (without reason)...
#51: like Hydra, when one whore dies, another five spring up in her place
#52: alt.porn has engendered more verbiage than woodage
#53: male talent should not be featured prominently on the box cover
#54: porners live in a different time zone which averages 45 minutes later than reality
#55: just when you think the bottom of the barrel has been scraped clean, Brandon Irons posts a new horror to "Website Talk"
#1: whores lie
#2: male performers have NO stroke value
#3: way too much man-ass in hetero porn (please minimize the use of the dreaded "ball-cam" angle. Any amount of time that 70% of the screen is occupied by the dude's ass and nut sack is too much)
#4: double-pen in the same orifice is gay
#5: Generally, European porn stars are much dirtier than their American counterparts
#6: when a dude is getting it up the ass, no matter if it's from a woman, tranny or another dude, it's gay
#7: if you have a small dick and fuck like a chick with a strap on you shouldn't be a stunt cock
#8: interracial gangbangs demonstrate how far we’ve come as a country regarding race
#9: if she doesn’t do anal, and she’s not Christy Canyon, she’s not a legitimate porn star
#10: piss, vomit and/or scat ain't sex(y)
#11: too many tattoos and piercings and it becomes an unpleasant freak show
#12: if you must show cunnilingus, make sure the guy doesn’t have a moustache (see Ron Jeremey and Christy Canyon; looks like the Tribbles Star Trek episode)
#13: the male talent shall keep grunting and moaning to a minimum
#14: don't jump to the guy's face during the money shot
#15: there shall be no unattended pussy in a FFM threesome scene at any time
#16: close up shots have their place, but it's not two thirds of the movie; pull back, establish and let us get on with the important business of jerking off to the whole girl, not just the meat piston
#17: genuine sounds of balls slapping against girl's ass or cock slamming into wet cunt shall not be interrupted by talents' over dramatic moaning or porn banter
#18: The bts interviewer shall not ask how the girl got into porn if she's been doing porn longer than 6 months
#19: if it's a comp, let the box cover say it's a comp; don't dress it up as all new scenes
#20: if the movie is shot in HD, cast must have good complexions (and definitely, no ass zits)
#21: if it's on the box, it shall be in the movie
#22: if an act is described as “her first time”, it shall not be common knowledge that it is far from her first time
#23: unless your name is Andrew Blake, let us hear the actual noises instead of the music, no matter how much you paid your cousin to create it with Pro Tools
#24: squirt is pee (see #10)
#25: every whore has a price
#26: the more cum that lands above her mouth, and the more surprised/upset she is about it, the better; if she actually starts to whimper, it's rewind time
#27: in porn, for every one great boob job, there are 76 shit ones around the corner
#28: someone else’s baby jam on/in a girl is off limits; stick your dick elsewhere or towel her off/make her swallow
#29: nine out of ten whores say they are in porn for the "great sex" and "close friendships," when in reality they are motivated in the following order of importance: 60% money/Donna Karan sunglasses/Gucci handbags; 20% getting back at their fucking asshole parents; 10% support/augment drug dependency’; 10% support suitcase pimp's drug dependency
#30: when a whore says they "don't do drugs any more," it means they still smoke unbelievable amounts of pot, and drink like fishes
#31: not all attention-whores are porn girls, but all porn girls are attention-whores
#32: if you have a catch-phrase, you're a douche
#33: girls turn 18 every day
#34: retired whore makes a comeback = rent is due
#35: whores never learn
#36: whores are never retired, they are just between sex-related “career opportunities”
#37: directors shall keep babbling to a minimum
#38: limit stills; flash bulbs going off is distracting
#39: big-budget porn (e.g. “Conquest”, “Private Gladiator”) is a waste of perfectly good money that could be better spent on costlier sex acts; i.e., would you rather see a wooden ship or an anal gangbang?
#40: slow-motion and replay shall be kept to the barest minimum
#41: if the male talent is taking a long time to cum, edit it out; no one wants to see 60+ seconds of a guy desperately stroking himself off (and moaning) while the female talent mentally composes her shopping list (see #29)
#42: eventually, to maintain interest, female talent will have to do anal (e.g. Eva Angelina)
#43: whores can't do porn forever; sometimes you have to grow up and move on
#44: when a whore holds off anal for too long, no one cares
#45: if you are shot out and get breast implants, you are still shot out
#46: never talk about your kids on your porn site; a real wood killer
#47: how about a girl who sucks beyond the goddamn helmet; half these bitches don't belong in the industry, because they can't give proper head
#48: during anal sex, the phrase “fuck the shit out of me” (or variations thereon) shouldn’t be uttered
#49: the more ridiculously out of place a whore looks in how she's dressed (e.g. hot pants, clear heels, etc.), the better
#50: asses are much improved by being bigger (within reason) and wetter (without reason)...
#51: like Hydra, when one whore dies, another five spring up in her place
#52: alt.porn has engendered more verbiage than woodage
#53: male talent should not be featured prominently on the box cover
#54: porners live in a different time zone which averages 45 minutes later than reality
#55: just when you think the bottom of the barrel has been scraped clean, Brandon Irons posts a new horror to "Website Talk"
