Joining a Jim

Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 08:10 PM

You see? It’s been so fucking long since my fat ass has lumbered into a gym that I forget the proper spelling. Look, it’s time to face some gigantic, cream-filled, facts: I need to get back into shape.

A decade or so ago, I did not intend on becoming runner up in The World’s Sexiest Man contest. It just sort of happened. I was 6 veneers and 6 inches in height away from taking Brad Pitt’s crown. Don’t bother looking it up. Trust me. It’s true.

Losing out to one half of the future Brangelina spiralled me down into a world of depression, despair, and Dunkin’ Donuts.

I quit porn to go to law school. Not many people know this about me. I thought I knew everything about torts only to flunk out. How was I to know they were talking about civil wrongs and not delicious German chocolate cakes? Seriously.

So I went back to porn and got caught up in the party lifestyle. I did a lot of coke. I did even more pepsi. Last month, I was nearly crushed by an avalanche of empty Mountain Dew cans.

I knew I had a problem when Sasha Grey congratulated me on being The Biggest Loser. I tried to correct her and say I wasn’t on the show. She just smiled, turned, and walked away.

My D-cup man boobs caused my last POV movie to be categorized as Girl-Girl by Hotmovies for their Video On Demand. I was devastated. Show some respect and call me a she-male! I was too depressed to return Joey Silvera’s calls about Rogue Adventures.

Enough! The Krispy Kreme ends here, I say! I joined a gym today and weighed in at 177.4 pounds. With the hope of seeing my penis in the not-too-distant future, I resolve to get back to my fighting weight back when I held the UFC welterweight championship belt. Again, don’t look it up. Just trust me.
Posted by: backdoorman

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 09:02 PM

Are you fishing for something with the name of this thread ?
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 09:59 PM

Kick me when I'm down, Sir. I'm trying to improve myself and that's the support you give me?
Posted by: Vice Admiral

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 10:09 PM

5' 4" and 180 pounds is pretty stout.
Posted by: frankie fatale

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 10:27 PM

if you start casting decent talent than you might be more motivated to lose weight. it worked for ron.sort of.

Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 10:27 PM

Quote:
"5' 4" and 180 pounds is pretty stout."

-- Who you calling pretty?
Posted by: frankie fatale

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 10:28 PM

i think hes talking about you sugar tits.
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 10:29 PM

Quote:

if you start casting decent talent than you might be more motivated to lose weight. it worked for ron.sort of.





I am on a budget. Unlike some of the talent, it's tight.
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 10:31 PM

Quote:

i think hes talking about you sugar tits.



Who you callin'....oh....I see.
Posted by: frankie fatale

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 10:31 PM

start doing what brian pumper does and start using street walkers that havent lost the war on drugs yet.
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 10:34 PM

I just say no to women with drug problems.
Posted by: frankie fatale

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 10:38 PM

Posted by: CxGxPx

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 11:47 PM

HHAHAHAha you're fat at a buck seventy seven? The camera must ad like....100 pounds....just exactly how short are you? Were your muscles ever real or was that just synthol?
Posted by: jeff jordan

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/29/10 11:51 PM

Mmm... Krispy Kreme.

Just last night someone at a bar mentioned I'd put on some weight. After sulking a bit, I threw back a few more, went home, put on my favorite Carpenters record, and cried in the shower 'til dawn.

I don't know, B. Make it happen, I guess. How much ya lookin to lose?

Posted by: the unknown pervert

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 06:24 AM

Quote:

You see? It’s been so fucking long since my fat ass has lumbered into a gym that I forget the proper spelling. Look, it’s time to face some gigantic, cream-filled, facts: I need to get back into shape.

A decade or so ago, I did not intend on becoming runner up in The World’s Sexiest Man contest. It just sort of happened. I was 6 veneers and 6 inches in height away from taking Brad Pitt’s crown. Don’t bother looking it up. Trust me. It’s true.

Losing out to one half of the future Brangelina spiralled me down into a world of depression, despair, and Dunkin’ Donuts.

I quit porn to go to law school. Not many people know this about me. I thought I knew everything about torts only to flunk out. How was I to know they were talking about civil wrongs and not delicious German chocolate cakes? Seriously.

So I went back to porn and got caught up in the party lifestyle. I did a lot of coke. I did even more pepsi. Last month, I was nearly crushed by an avalanche of empty Mountain Dew cans.

I knew I had a problem when Sasha Grey congratulated me on being The Biggest Loser. I tried to correct her and say I wasn’t on the show. She just smiled, turned, and walked away.

My D-cup man boobs caused my last POV movie to be categorized as Girl-Girl by Hotmovies for their Video On Demand. I was devastated. Show some respect and call me a she-male! I was too depressed to return Joey Silvera’s calls about Rogue Adventures.

Enough! The Krispy Kreme ends here, I say! I joined a gym today and weighed in at 177.4 pounds. With the hope of seeing my penis in the not-too-distant future, I resolve to get back to my fighting weight back when I held the UFC welterweight championship belt. Again, don’t look it up. Just trust me.




Aren't you Canadian? What is with this Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme shit? Don't you have a Tim Horton's to invest in?
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 08:50 AM

The donut references were metaphors for the donut-hole-like emptiness I feel inside. Sure, I'm sugary sweet on the outside but inside, I need something more substantial. The will to live would be nice but I'll settle for a job where my boss isn't still in high school.

I need to lose 18-22 pounds in order to shave my balls by sight again. I'm starting off by getting a haircut and cutting my finger and toenails.

This could take some time.
Posted by: Fiend

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 10:34 AM

Stop eating poutine and toe jam and you'll lose the weight in about 6 weeks.
Posted by: tattypatty

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 10:42 AM

Good on you.
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 11:21 AM

Quote:

Stop eating poutine and toe jam and you'll lose the weight in about 6 weeks.



I am all about instant gratification. I can't wait 6 weeks. I'm going to have a Philly cheese steak sandwich and go to a fat doctor to see if I can get some liposuction.

Seeing that my weight gain was caused through no fault of my own, I am setting up a Paypal contribution link at www.brandoniron.com. Please be generous. I am offering to record funny voicemail messages as a way of saying thank you. The most popular one so far is a singalong to Black Sabbath's "Iron Man." Without any musical training, I NAH-NAH-NA-NA-NA exactly to the beat.

I didn't realize how draining this would be. I'm going to have a snack.
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 11:31 AM

Bad news. All this typing has given me carpal tunnel syndrome. I can't lift any weights and I'm now seeking a workout surrogate to do all my heavy lifting. If you have a webcam and can curl 35 pound dumbbells, e-mail me so I can tell you how many I need done.
Posted by: Fiend

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 11:58 AM

If losing your hair counts as weight loss then you are losing weight Brandon
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 12:13 PM

I like your work, Sir. That was good.
Posted by: frankie fatale

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 07:14 PM

Posted by: pinupmutant

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 08:17 PM

For a sociopath, you're pretty darned funny Mr. Irons. Want to start a May 2010 Callenetics challenge with me? For the trolling value alone it would be worth it, but it's wicked effective for toning and enhances flexibility (perfect for shaving those hard-to-reach-areas).
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 09:57 PM

I'm in! Seriously, though, here are my fatbuster strategies:
1. Daily cycling.
2. Weight training at the gym.
3. Actually going to the free classes on offer (like spinning).
4. Eating better and not doing the stoner thing and loading up on garbage before passing out late at night.
5. Drinking water. LOTS of water.
Posted by: tattypatty

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 10:31 PM

I know this program pitch is cheesy, and i have posted it numerous times
But this thing worked like a motherfucker.

I am serious. Easy to follow. Quick. Totally changed the way i eat etc.
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 10:43 PM

Cool beans......is all you get to eat, right?

Fuck it. What I really need to do is figure out what makes both women and potato chips so appealing that I overindulge a teensy, weenzie bit. By that I mean, I empty the bank account on sweet bon bons. Picture a sieve:


Now picture a bunch of money stampeding its way through it.

You know how much rent I pay to live on Fantasy Island? Here I am in happier times:


Please stop this madness before I really wind up like Herve. I'm begging you, please!! (On a side note, did you know that Herve Villechaize's father was a doctor and died in WWII as part of the French Resistance? Or that Herve was the youngest artist to ever exhibit in the Museum of Paris? Or that his big break came in 1974 in The Man With the Golden Gun?) Read more about the downward spiral here: http://www.franksreelreviews.com/shorttakes/tattoo/tattoo.htm

If I keep up my fill-the-void existence, my next role will be a dinner roll. 6 months from now...

Posted by: JRV

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 10:57 PM

Quote:

5' 4" and 180 pounds is pretty stout.


5'4"? Was it "Retro Platform Shoes Day" when he measured 5'4"?
Posted by: gia jordan

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 11:00 PM

Brandon was way leaner in Another Sores of Iron.
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 04/30/10 11:18 PM

Nice JRV but I'm going to go with Gia for the win.
Posted by: jeff jordan

Re: Joining a Jim - 05/01/10 03:06 AM

Just walked out of Canter's with 4 of everything on the bottom row.
Posted by: frankie fatale

Re: Joining a Jim - 05/01/10 08:51 AM



* 1/2 pound flank steak or skirt steak, cut across the grain into 1/4-inch slices
* 1/3 cup balsamic vinegar
* 1 1/2 tablespoons lemon juice
* 1 teaspoon oregano
* 1/4 teaspoon pepper
* 3/4 cup plain, fat-free Greek yogurt
* 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
* 1/2 teaspoon pepper
* 1/8 teaspoon salt
* 1/2 tablespoon lemon juice
* 1 teaspoon bottled, minced garlic
* 1/2 cup tomato, chopped
* 1/2 cup cucumber, chopped
* 2 pieces whole-wheat pita bread

tasty recipe from that site.
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 05/01/10 09:47 AM

Despite having worked at both McDonald's and Burger King, I can't cook.
Posted by: zenman

Re: Joining a Jim - 05/01/10 10:44 AM

Quote:

Mmm... Krispy Kreme.





Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 05/01/10 01:14 PM

Day 3 of my workout routine. Feelin' good. Feelin' loose. My body is running like a fine-oiled machine. Regrettably, I used coconut oil and now weigh 178.1 lbs.
Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 05/03/10 08:27 PM

Day 5 of my personal Ironman 2.0 competition.

Manboobs: sore
Energy: low
Spirits: high
Weight: 176.1 gellatinous lbs.

I include sauna time as "workout" time as I sit and contemplate my fall from grace. Is that sweat running down my cheeks or tears? Probably a combination. Out...out of my body, damn water-retaining salt!

Iron 2.0 must be built from the ground up. Thank God it's not a long way to go. I must be better, stronger, faster. I want to be a six million dollar man, like the Brazzers boys. Must earn it, though.
Posted by: jeff jordan

Re: Joining a Jim - 05/04/10 12:07 AM

Quote:

Is that sweat running down my cheeks or tears?



Posted by: Brandon_Iron

Re: Joining a Jim - 05/04/10 07:39 PM

Day 6 and I'm still sticking with it like my shirt sticks to my pasty, melanin-deprived body.

I feel better than when I started and got a raging boner in bed last night. I'm not sure if it's related to exercise or not but I'm telling myself it is.

Next step: Attending a Cardio Tone class or Spin N' Sculpt.

If anyone wants to help by buying some of Trader Joe's fibre pills, I will gladly repay you. Those things are like driving a truck through your intestines.

I also need help in case I get a second raging boner.