Groaners

There are actually more Catholic churches in Vegas than casinos. Often, parishioners will put casino chips into the collection plates, creating a problem for the local churches. They now ship them to a nearby monastery, where the brothers count and credit each church, and separate the chips for each casino so they can be cashed in. These guys are called the chip monks.

Once there was some dizzy bitch on a porn forum's unrelated topics board, who kept starting boring threads about celebrity gossip no one cared about. Tiring of this, the resident Gag FActor obsessive decided to bump his own thread made specially for lame jokes, hoping it would serve as an example to put all lame shit that belongs together into one thread. What a silly pervert, thinking she would get the hint!

What's Hitlers least favorite planet?


'Jewpiter'







What do you call the million man march in the rain?


"Gorillas in the mist"








What do you call a mexican getting baptised?


Bean dip!








Why did so many niggers die in Vietnam?


When they were told to get down they started break dancing!








How does a niggress take a pregnancy test?


She sticks a banana up her pussy, if it comes out half-eaten you know there's another monkey on the way!








What do you call a black roofer?


Shit on a shingle!








What happens when a jew with an erection walks into a wall?


He breaks his nose.








What do you call a spic with a rubber toe?
Roberto!





I'd love to post more but that would be somewhat racist of me. Enjoy! <3

I heard Hillary Clinton is in Haiti now and that the Obama administration has dispatched a special team with her to make a grab for the ruby red slippers in case a house should fall on her.

BDM texting codes:

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil


For Cameron:

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration... 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?




Put it in the oven until its bill withers...

yes... it's come to this.

^^^ Lou, are you suggesting the pride is hungry for the OP? It's been a while.

sure... i'll use any excuse that distracts from my participation in this thread.


heres a real groaner. katy perry sans makeup.

A Beech and a Birch tree grew side by side in a forest. One year, a healthy young sapling sprang up between them. Each claimed the offspring was theirs. The sapling grew, and the argument raged. One day a woodpecker came along, and the two older trees decided he could help settle the dispute. They asked the woodpecker to sample the sapling and tell what it was. The woodpecker obliged, rat-a-tat-tatting on the sapling for a short while. The two tall neighbors asked, "Is it a son of a beech or son of a birch?" The woodpecker replied, "It's the best piece of ash I ever stuck my pecker in!"

A panda ordered a sandwich at a bar, and started to exit without paying. When the waitress objected, the panda pulled a gun and shot her. The owner said, Hey, you why did you do that?" The panda replied, "I'm a panda, look it up." The owner grabbed his dictionary and found that a panda is a bear native to China that eats shoots and leaves.

What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable?


Getting her out of the wheel chair.

A blind man walks into a drug store and starts swinging his guide dog around over his head. The druggist comes over and asks, May I help you , Sir? The man replies: Nah, I'm just looking around.

Most often heard phrase in a gay bar ?

Push that stool in for ya ?

How many fags can sit on a bar stool?
4 if you turn it upside down.

What is the difference between a woman and a toilet?
Toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load in it.

What does Michelle Obama do after she shaves her pussy?
Puts a tie on him and sends him to work.

How come Blacks and Arabs don't mate?
They are afraid the kids will be too lazy to blow shit up.

What is green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
Brandon's dick.

What do you call a white guy surrounded by eight black guys?

Victim.

One night I told Tonya I'd be back from the bar at 11:00. I closed the bar and came home a little before 2:00. She was asleep, I was sneaking to the bedroom when the cuckoo clock cuckooed twice. I decided to cuckoo more to make it like 11:00. In the morning, nothing was said until she mentioned we needed to get the clock repaired. Said last night it cuckooed twice, belched, said, "Son of a bitch," and cuckooed 11 more times.

Old man, tell us more boozy drinking stories.

Do gay peoples eat gapefruit?

Brandon does.

It's delicious.

Do you like banana shape gapefruit or grape shape? If the trick shits out a log of grapes on your chest, do you eat it whole or pull the pellets apart and eat them individually?

Poop eater.

I'm a starfish worshipper. My preference is for tiny, symmetrical, hairless assholes with mild to medium striations. Deep-dish butts where I can feel ass bones on my cheeks are especially appetizing, as are butts that relax to the probing of my tongue.

Well, there are plenty of those guys in porn. Didn't you used to work for a guy who fits that description?

I don't worry about other people when I'm nuzzled in my natural habitat.

http://jokes.cc.com/joke-categories

Category: Nationality

GREEK NAVY

What's the highest position in the Greek Navy?
Rear Admiral!

A student was given a test for advanced placement psychology. He was to identify the emotion 3 men in seperate rooms were feeling. The first room had a man with green body paint fuming. "I am Jealousy,"the student answered. The next room had a man in red body paint hitting his fist against the wall. "I am Anger." The 3rd room had a naked Italian guy with a pear on his erect penis. "I'm fuckin' dis pear," was the answer.

Guy sees an ad in the paper: "Gynecological Assistant Wanted, $80,000/year".

Goes to the clinic and meets the doctor. "Doctor, please tell me about the job. What's a 'gynecological assistant' do, anyway?"

Doctor says, "Our patients are mostly college students. Your job will be to prepare them for their first gynecological examination. You will help them out of their panties and up into the stirrups. You'll apply shaving lotion and gently depilate them. Then you'll apply a soothing oil and rub it into the skin so that it's smooth and there is no irritation."

"You'll have to go to St. Louis. That's about 350 miles away."

Guy says, "Oh, the clinic is in St. Louis?"

Doctor says, "That's where the line ends now."

That's pretty damned good!

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him.

Man who streaks is unsuited for his work.

Girl who does everything under the sun gets everything sunburned.

Man who places head in sand will get kicked in the end.

Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end.

Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches rear should not bite fingernails.

Man who sinks into woman's arms soon will find arms in woman's sink.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Hourglasses are waste of time.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

All men eat, but Fu Man Chu.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Modern house without toilet uncanny.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

Why doesn't Chuck Schumer look through his glasses?

Answer: He is afraid the lenses might be progressive.

A snake walks into a bar. Bartender says "How did you do that"?

A Mexican magician tells his audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "Uno, dos..." and, poof... he disappears without a tres.

Why can you never trust an atom?

Because they make up everything.

Jose went to his first baseball game after coming to American and had a seat behind a pillar. He was happy though because everyone sang to him: "oh Jose can you see?"

Do you know Mexican judo? Judo know I gotta a knife? Judo know I gotta gun?

The point is to make people groan, son, not to make 'em think you're six.

I hope you realize I've literally heard the same joke you told from a little kid.

Hmmmm... First you tell an unlikely story about hookers. Then you tell an even less likely story about hot college broads who sell vacuums door to door. Yet, for those very reasons, I actually believe you spend an inordinate and inappropriate amount of time around little kids. Why is that?

It must be all the time I spent hanging out with John Podesta

More likely it's because you're a pederast John.

I don't need to take this shit from you. I have my box I can crawl into.

It took you two days to realize you were out, I figure it'll take just as long to find your way back.

Groooooaaaaannnnnnn^

I just read a story about Oedipus and Midas.

It was Motherfucking Gold.

what do you call the germs in your bong?


Bake-teria!

What did Nichole Brown Simpson say when Ron Goldman offered to eat her pussy?

"Sure, but the juice might kill you"

Now that's funny!

A young fellow was getting ready for the prom. He went to rent a limo, and there was a line. So he waited...waited...waited in line then it was his turn and he got the limo. He went to the tailors to rent a tux, and there was a line. So, he waited...waited ....waited in line until he finally got a tux. Then he went to the florist to get flowers for his girl, but there was a line, so he waited...waited...waited in line until it was his turn.

Having everything, they went to the prom and the date sent him for some punch. And guess what...no punch line.

the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store. Granny points to a tray of rubies.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Dad: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

All those girls who got molested are suffering from Epstein Barr syndrome

Guy in Bar: Hey babe, how many planets are there?

Babe: I don't know, 7 or 8?

GIB: Well, there'll be one less tonight after I destroy Uranus