Fundamental Laws of Porn

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Never mind the rules.

Thanks for the pic. I'm going to have some "quiet time".

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#1: whores lie
#2: male performers have NO stroke value
#3: way too much man-ass in hetero porn
#4: double-pen in the same orifice is gay
#5: European porn stars are FAR dirtier than their American counterparts
#6: when a dude is getting it up the ass, no matter if it's from a woman, tranny or another dude, it's gay
#7: if you have a small dick and fuck like a chick with a strap on you shouldn't be a stunt cock
#8: interracial gangbangs demonstrate how far we’ve come as a country regarding race

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#9: Piss ain't sex(y)

-Chuck, Vegetarian fanboy

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it was supposed to be sexy? i confused.

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Gunker, I must say, this thread has turned out much better than I expected. Nice work.

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Thanks King!

I've been saving up a special picture for you...

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#1: whores lie
#2: male performers have NO stroke value
#3: way too much man-ass in hetero porn
#4: double-pen in the same orifice is gay
#5: Generally, European porn stars are much dirtier than their American counterparts
#6: when a dude is getting it up the ass, no matter if it's from a woman, tranny or another dude, it's gay
#7: if you have a small dick and fuck like a chick with a strap on you shouldn't be a stunt cock
#8: interracial gangbangs demonstrate how far we’ve come as a country regarding race
#9: if she doesn’t do anal, and she’s not Christy Canyon, she’s not a legitimate porn star
#10: piss, vomit and/or scat ain't sex(y)
#11: too many tattoos and piercings and it becomes an unpleasant freak show
#12: if you must show cunnilingus, make sure the guy doesn’t have a moustache (see Ron Jeremey and Christy Canyon; looks like the Tribbles Star Trek episode)

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#14. A threeway scene with two girls and one guy where one girl has to sit and play with herself while the other two fuck is a waste of pussy. Producers: stop being cheap and hire another cock.

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That's fair. I just want to see that unemployed pussy put to good use.

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I think there should be a move to make this a "porn law":

If it's on the box, It shall be in the movie.

Been had a couple of times on that old trick. Inexpensive tape with nice, stroke-worthy pictures on the front, only to be disappointed by a tape filled with lackluster, dimly-lit, ugly skank-whores as participants scenes!

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#16. Genuine sounds of balls slapping against girl's ass or cock slamming into wet cunt shall not be interrupted by talents' over dramatic moaning or porn banter.

#17. The bts interviewer shall not ask how the girl got into porn if she's been doing porn longer than 6 months.

#18. If it's a comp, let the box cover say it's a comp. Don't dress it up as all new scenes.

#19. If the movie is shot in HD, cast girls with good complexions.

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#21. If it takes the male talent more than 30 seconds to cum when he's whacking off into an open mouth/pussy/ass yell fucking CUT! There's nothing worse than watching some cro-mag banging his balls for 5 minutes or more just to see him cough his gloop when you could've been downstairs watching the game instead.

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i disagree. it's perversely entertaining to watch this. the guy furiously beating it, vainly trying to get something to happen. and then when he acts like, here it comes, but still nothing. and the chick is just sitting there, cycling through her "i'm so hot and nasty" faces. it's probably a good opportunity for her to imagine what else she could be doing now. good stuff. but that's just what i think. i don't watch the games, anyway.

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#20. In porn, there is no such thing as good plastic surgery.

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I think they can do wonders with boobs (sometimes) and noses, but beyond that it just doesn't work (chins, lips, butts, lipo).

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I should amend it to:

"In porn, for every one great boob job, there are 76 shit ones around the corner."

I think I've seen fewer than 10 boob jobs that I'd describe as truly good. And by that, I mean boob jokes where you have to ask if they've been done or not.

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i think it's hilarious when the girl is waiting for the next pop and she's still trying to talk dirty to guy number two("quah quah quah!").

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Oh. Is that what it is? I thought those chicks were just 20 per cent 'tard.

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NO FAKE GAG (GUNK, GUNK, GUNK) SOUNDS!!!! Only real ones.

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There are very few real ones.

And since 90% of people can't tell the difference/dont care just ditch the idea anyway. It's old like King Tut already.

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WHY ARE YOU IGNORING HER PAIN?


take my soul!

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The ammended version is dead-on, Conky. There are good ones, but few and far between.

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Here's my increasingly addled attempt to compile what we've decided so far:

#1: whores lie
#2: male performers have NO stroke value
#3: way too much man-ass in hetero porn (please minimize the use of the dreaded "ball-cam" angle. Any amount of time that 70% of the screen is occupied by the dude's ass and nut sack is too much)
#4: double-pen in the same orifice is gay
#5: Generally, European porn stars are much dirtier than their American counterparts
#6: when a dude is getting it up the ass, no matter if it's from a woman, tranny or another dude, it's gay
#7: if you have a small dick and fuck like a chick with a strap on you shouldn't be a stunt cock
#8: interracial gangbangs demonstrate how far we’ve come as a country regarding race
#9: if she doesn’t do anal, and she’s not Christy Canyon, she’s not a legitimate porn star
#10: piss, vomit and/or scat ain't sex(y)
#11: too many tattoos and piercings and it becomes an unpleasant freak show
#12: if you must show cunnilingus, make sure the guy doesn’t have a moustache (see Ron Jeremey and Christy Canyon; looks like the Tribbles Star Trek episode)
#13: the male talent shall keep grunting and moaning to a minimum
#14: don't jump to the guy's face during the money shot
#15: there shall be no unattended pussy in a FFM threesome scene at any time
#16: close up shots have their place, but it's not two thirds of the movie; pull back, establish and let us get on with the important business of jerking off to the whole girl, not just the meat piston
#17: genuine sounds of balls slapping against girl's ass or cock slamming into wet cunt shall not be interrupted by talents' over dramatic moaning or porn banter
#18: The bts interviewer shall not ask how the girl got into porn if she's been doing porn longer than 6 months
#19: if it's a comp, let the box cover say it's a comp; don't dress it up as all new scenes
#20: if the movie is shot in HD, cast must have good complexions (and definitely, no ass zits)
#21: if it's on the box, it shall be in the movie
#22: if an act is described as “her first time”, it shall not be common knowledge that it is far from her first time
#23: unless your name is Andrew Blake, let us hear the actual noises instead of the music, no matter how much you paid your cousin to create it with Pro Tools
#24: squirt is pee (see #10)
#25: every whore has a price
#26: the more cum that lands above her mouth, and the more surprised/upset she is about it, the better; if she actually starts to whimper, it's rewind time
#27: in porn, for every one great boob job, there are 76 shit ones around the corner
#28: someone else’s baby jam on/in a girl is off limits; stick your dick elsewhere or towel her off/make her swallow before proceeding

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#26: the more cum that lands above her mouth, and the more surprised/upset she is about it, the better; if she actually starts to whimper, it's rewind time

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OMG I can't stop laughing at this one!!!!

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#29: "If you have a catch-phrase, you're a douche." - Bornyo

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#30 - Girls turn 18 every day

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What about this one?

#31: Retired whore makes a comeback = rent is due

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Law #31 reminded me of Ashley Blue's view of porn retirement as she reported to avninsider.com some time ago :

Girlvert Guides You Into The Galaxy

Announcing Porn Retirement Doesn't Make You Cool

There are a lot of bad career moves that, thankfully, porno is exempt from. We can get away with fucking our bosses, giving our co-workers the clap and even getting raided by the FBI. Sexual harassment in the workplace is downright mandatory in our profession, rather than an act of unprofessionalism. It is impossible to get fired from being a porn star. That is why I am here.

I have been fired from every job that I have ever had, except for porn. Flaking out for shoots, fighting with talent, forgetting my I.D., being too high on ecstasy or having a bitch attitude has never ruined my career in porno. In any other place of employment I would be fired for sure. It has taken a couple of years for me to fully appreciate this and shape up my behavior a little bit. I no longer need a designated driver at my shoots, because that is now my job as the director.

The only thing that we can all agree gets an automatic eye-rolling is when we hear the news that a performer has announced his/her/he-she's retirement. I just say ughh, whatever. That's stupid.

I don't mean the cases of occasional life-threatening disease, fatal accident or life sentence in prison. They are all not what really classify as the retirement that whores voluntarily do for attention.

If you have any true intention of moving on, silly whore, then it would be unnecessary to seek attention from those in this industry. That would be just as retarded and desperate as making all of your MySpace blogs about an ex-boyfriend, while telling people you are over him. Or having a big drug bender to celebrate that you are entering a (court-ordered) rehab.

Also, it is inevitable that you will make your "huge" comeback. All of the chicks that I know of who have thrown in the cum rag have picked it up again for at least a few more loads. Who knows? I may be as old as Dave Hardman's mom one day and really need to make some cash. Or perhaps my family will need to pay for my funeral by selling my corpse to a necrophilia production company.

The bottom line is that no one fucking cares in porn when you retire. Why should the public give a black dick for a whore when she aborts what we love about her most?


— Ashley Blue

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The bottom line is that no one fucking cares in porn when you retire. Why should the public give a black dick for a whore when she aborts what we love about her most?


— Ashley Blue

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She'll be back after she gets out of rehab and rent is due.

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How prophetic...

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What about this one?

#31: Retired whore makes a comeback = rent is due

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37: Braces and porn do not mix. It's just too freaky.

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I strongly OBJECT to this proposed rule and hereto submit the attached evidence:

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40.) Not everything is meant or intended to be sexy, so stop trying to make the 18yr olds look like 40yr old street hookers. (Meatholes was fucking hot but not necessarily sexy.)

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My main problem with Meatholes is: Not All Body Fluids are Sexy. The human body can emit sweat, spit, piss, shit, cum, snot, vomit, and blood. And I really don't need to see most of that. What's next, earwax money shots?

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Bumping because I just remembered another one: Keep the shoes on! Real Porn Stars Fuck In Their High Heels.

It makes their legs look better, and it just gives a wonderfully trashy edge to the whole scene to see the bitch nude except for a set of 5" stripper heels. Bonus points if there is wear and tear on them which makes it obvious she wears them on stage.

Not a foot/shoe fetish thing at all, more a leg thing and a preference for the talent to look as whorish as possible. (although the Girl-Next-Door trying to wear heels that she can't walk in is also hot.)

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It's a crime against pornography to let a whore kick off her heels mid scene. Another common misconception is mistaking a shoe fetish for a foot fetish. Fuck that, porn seems to cater more to foot fetishists.
Hooker heels and fuck me boots add an intoxifying decedance to the overall aesthetic.
Anybody can just strip and fuck, but it takes dedication to dress for sex and if the whores would rather spend their money on speed keep a wardrobe on set, budget Fredericks' of Hollywood into your production.

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#26: the more cum that lands above her mouth, and the more surprised/upset she is about it, the better; if she actually starts to whimper, it's rewind time

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The more ridiculously out of place a whore looks in hot pants and clear heels, the better.

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#50. Dairy products at room temperature aren't sexy.

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How about this one -

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