Am I Willie? Did a mutual friend or did he not catch you masturbating in front of your computer to Sasha Grey and Tiffany Holiday? You were prancing around wearing an imitation of Sasha's lime green thong and whistling the theme to the Andy Griffith show.

While this in itself was disturbing, what was more disturbing is what you said when you were caught. You were NOT on acid or any other hallucinogenic and our friend was not Peter Pumpkin Eater. That was a bold faced lie.