I have a good friend. His name is Dan and he used to be my roommate. We lived togehter for nearly five years in a strictly platonic friendship. Living with Dan was fun. He smoked a lot of pot and it was never difficult getting his share of money for the bills. Because we had much in common including, race, age and political like-mindedness we were often able to see things in the same light. This makes living easy.
Around this time I was dating a Thai university student and he was dating - or having an affair with - a divorced (this is questionable) mother of two. I remeber despising her children as they would chase the cat around and make a terrible mess of things in general. Luckily, Dan cut her and the little-ones loose freeing the cat and I from further abuse.
One amusing tale I can quickly share is the time that Dan and I though it would be funny to spike my then girlfriends dinner with pot. She was a very sober living person and many thought she had a broom stick up her ass. I cared for her very much at the time and I thought I'd be helping her by getting her to loosen up. Pot seemed like the perfect way to do this.
Around this time Dan had just made a new lady friend, so we decided that a small dinner party was in order. This was also a great opportunity to give my lady that 'speacial ingredient' in her life, or so we thought.
I made ribs, slaw, taters and cornbread. The cornbread was made by mixing wet ingredients with dry ingredients and placing the combined mixed ingredients in muffin tins. I sprinkled the marijuana in two muffins prior to baking. I covered the pot flakes by adding untainted mix to the top, but I made sure to remeber which ones were hers by placement. Anyway, the ladies arrived, we ate, drank, had a blast and she, being my special lady, promptly gobbled the muffins up.
After dinner I decided that maybe me and my woman should head out to beautiful old town Pasadena. This is an older California community just outside of L.A. proper that's rich in art and history. We left the apartment and headed out for what as about a thirty-five minute drive. We had a great time during the drive and we were getting along quite well. In fact, I was quite happy to see her in such a good mood and planned on making pot a part of her daily diet.
So, we arrive, park the car and check out the Pasadena nightlife. Crowds of young people gathered on corners and in local coffeee shops, bookstores and anything else that seemed cool. Since the area was new to us, we just walked around for a while and took in the scenery. Once again, I was so damn happy that I added a certain beat to my step. This beat was a personal thanks to the god of weed and I was really hoping he heard me. Well, he didn't.
After we had past about the twentieth coffee shop, my girlfrind froze, looked at me and made a face that made me think she was about to birth a baby rhino.
"What's wrong?" I asked her, though I clearly knew what it was. "Oh my God, the whole place is spinning and I can barely stand-up!" she wailed. Fuck, this has taken a serious turn for the worse. I quickly and gently grabbed her, walking her to a seemingly always nearby coffee shop. She was promptly plopped in a big, oversized chair. She sat lathargic and looked like she was ready to pass out. I got her a double espresso and dumped it into a regular coffee. I added milk and sugar to make it taste somewhat decent, though I had a feeling it wouldn't. However, I didn't give a shit as I was ready to make her snort lines of Columbian ground java flake if that's what it took to get her going again. She slowly drank it and complained loudly of the crappy taste. The staff was not amused and neither was I.
She told me "Fuck, I feel like I'm stoned" I never knew she had gotten high before. "My sister had to take me to the hospital the last time I got high. They pumped my tummy and called the cops." My stomach turned and I almost shit myself when she told me this. "Let's go home" I said. We got up and headed for the car.
I was growing frantic with each second. Shit man, what if she fucking passes out? Could she OD on pot? It was like a pich, not even a lot. Even my fucking roommate told me to put more in. Son of a bitch, was this weed dipped in PCP or something? Is Dan smoking pot laced with Angel Dust? Am I going to have to take her to the hospital? Will they pump her stomach and find the marijuana? Are cops going to raid the apartment and drag me away like some kind of Scarface? Am I looking at five to ten with a cellmate named 'T-Bird'?
The closer we got to the car, the more paranoid I became. I opened the door and helped her into the passenger seat. "Ohhhh" she moaned. This was followed by tears. I too was ready to cry, but I had to stay strong and get her healthy. Fucking weed, fucking Dan, fucking that weak stomach for dope of hers. "Did you put pot in the food?" she asked. "No" I lied. I drove quickly. We arrived back to my place and I layed her in my bed and removed her socks, pants and shirt. The lights are killed. She went to sleep. I ran over to Dan's room and knocked on the door. He was either asleep or was with his new woman. I could care less either way as my problem was a priority. I opened the door and there he was passed out in his bed.
"Dude!" I yelled. Nothing from him. "Dude, wake up!" I again shouted. He slowly came to life. "What?" his half awake self asked me. "Dude, she ate the pot and now she's freaking out!" I yelped. He comes back with, "Just tell her to go to sleep and she'll be ok" This wasn't a good enough remedy for me. "Dude, her sister had to get her fucking stomach pumped the last time she got stoned" suddenly Dan was awake with this news. "Ok, let her sleep and afterwards give her coffee and get her moving." Cool, I thought. Then he blurps, "Oh, and don't forget, this whole thing was your idea." What a fucking asshole.
I crept back to my bedroom and watched her sleep for about an hour and a half. I was still scared and wanted to see this situation come to an end. I decided that waking her up and trying to get some energy in her would be my best bet. I snuck up to her, shook her a bit and she slowly came to life. "What?" she says. "Hey, how you feeling?" I asked. "Like I'm gonna float away. Help me" What the hell? Float away? She's acting like she's on acid now. "OK, get up!" I shouted. I pulled her up and out of bed. I let go of her and noticed that she now had a spine that was about as strong as a slinky. She stood half naked and flung from one side to another as if we were on a ship admist stormy seas. I once saw a midget dressed as Charlie Chaplan sitting on an ashcan in front of a downtown Las Vegas buffet. This is the only thing that was almost as bizarre as seeing her swing like a human pendulum.
"Ok, let's move around" I insisted. I grabbed her by the hand and pulled her towards me. After that I wasn't sure what to do. I pulled her again, this time to my side. Soon we were almost dancing, going back and forth and side to side. It grew annoying for the both of us and she finally piped up. "I wanna be on the floor, let's move around there" she blurts, "Great" I said. We hit the floor and just kinda sat there for a spell. "What do you want to do?" I asked. "Play leap frog" she muttered. It's now real obvious that she's fucked more than I thought and my fear-factor scale has risen to the red zone. I guess leap frog will do though. Shit, it'll get her blood flowing, maybe jump start her brain and give me a chance to avoid an impending doom.
"Fuckin' a, let's play leap frog" I say. Still in the dark, I get on all fours with my ass dead in her face. She crawls up my back and mounts me as if we were dogs about to screw. Slowly, she pulls herself up and then she musters all her strenth and in one big motion she goes forward. She travels about four feet and hits her head on the wall located directly in front of her. I'm thankful she didn't pull off a legitamate 'leap' as this would have been very bad. She's obviously sporting super magical pot powers and does not realize it.
While still in a humiliating position, I run over to check on her. I find her laying there on the floor, holding her head and laughing. I get on my knees and pull her up to me. In the dark she sits and laughs. I begin to think she's coming around. She's gonna be OK and I won't be going to the pokey.
Releived, I begin to laugh with her. An inner peace begins to surround me. I hold her by the head and kiss her gently on the lips. She repsonds by puking all over me. I'm coverd in red and yellow glow in the dark sludge.
She tells me that she feels fine now and is ready to go home. She does this that. I my g/f to her car. We kiss and say goodnight. I walk back upstairs to my pad still covered in her belly shit. I strip, burn the clothes and take a shower.
About a year later she graduated form UCLA with a double major in math and economics. Her first post-graduate duty was to dump me. I don't really know what happened to her after that, other than the fact that she's making tons of cash now.
As for me, my life is currently on edge. I'm almost thirty, living in Las Vegas and I spend my nights posting to Live Journal as if I were still in the tenth grade.
Dan has relocated to Chicago where he's an assistant at Big Lots. He claims that he didn't know that Big Lots is similar to Pic 'N Save, and that he got the job previous to knowing. Rough.
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